Warning! I'm out of coffee!

This is quite accidental, running out of coffee. I should have anticipated it days ago as I poured the last of the coffee beans into my grinder. It was totally avoidable.

As it is, I am surviving on half-caf this morning, rationing the last bit of the caffeinated coffee to last me through tomorrow. Tomorrow's coffee will be almost entirely decaf. (My latte will be caffeine free.)

No, I am not ill. I have not been advised by a doctor to reduce my caffeine intake. I am not turning over a new leaf. I'm going on vacation and refuse to open an new bag of beans two days before I go, preferring to keep them fresh until I get back, but I planned poorly and am running out of coffee (the real stuff) ahead of schedule. Alas, all I that remains is decaf. Already I am wondering what reason I will have tomorrow to get out of bed.

Be not afraid, world. My destination is stocked with full-strength joe. What happens between now and then, however, is anyone's guess.

I'm for that!

You're kidding, right?

Good News!

What can you get filled at the drugstore that used to be available only at the corner pub?

A growler. Of course.

For those of you who don't live in the craft beer capital of the world, a growler is a half-gallon refillable container used for purchasing draft beer to go. It can be filled at a brewery or taphouse. Or, now, at your local drugstore. No prescription required.

Just last week, I had a growler that needed to be filled and I was aware that Bartell Drugs in downtown Bellevue had a growler station. (See? It's right there under In-Store Services, following 1 Hour Photo and CareClinic.) It happened to be the closest place to go, that I knew of, not counting the neighboring grocery store which also fills growlers. The grocery store would have been the better choice but the novelty of getting beer at the drugstore compelled me to check it out.

The growler station was located in the front corner of the store, behind the souvenirs, next to the soda fountain and coffee bar, just around the corner from the artisan cheeses. (Did I mention this was Bellevue?)

Sure enough, there were six or eight beers on tap. We were allowed to try a couple from tiny paper cups which, btw, are not ideal for tasting beer. For our growler, we selected the KZOK Electric Citrus IPA brewed by Bellevue Brewing Company.

(Wait, there's a brewery in Bellevue? What's going on here?)

Beyond the novelty of buying Bellevue-brewed beer at the local drugstore, I can now set my sights on a new goal. I'm 4,170 points away from a $5 discount at Walgreens where, as it happens, I might also fill my growler. So, forget the potato chips, I'm devoting my steps to beer. Or maybe an eyebrow wax.

How much for that spatula there?

Here's an idea for Amazon: What I'm thinking about is the self-storage industry. People are storing their unwanted, un-needed, can't possibly get rid of stuff in storage lockers and buildings covering hundreds of millions of square feet and paying billions of dollars for the privilege. What if, instead, you could just send it to Amazon?

Just think: How many spatulas do you think are in storage today in the world? Hundreds? Millions? Couldn't we do away with some and still have enough to go around on National Pancake Day? How many dishes? Lamps? Sofas? They're just sitting there. Unused.

Amazon's computers and warehouse systems could separate sofas from spatulas and predict how many of each item are likely to be recalled by their owners. Some items never will be and it could be that only a predictable number of spatulas will ever be recalled at any given time meaning that we, as a collective, could do with far fewer spatulas.

As the owner, you could identify your stored items as "absolutely not for sale" - like personal papers - or "available for a price" - like spatulas or sofas. If someone wants to buy your spatula or, say, your husband's ridiculously outdated recliner that's been held together over the years by duct tape, you might be tempted to take the money thereby cancelling your rent payment and ridding yourself of that awful eyesore. Or spatula. A notification would allow you to accept, deny, or counter the offer.

The mail storage industry already exists. I don't mean male storage or the storage of mail which are entirely different things. I'm talking about storage by mail. Mail storage works when you need to store less than a storage-locker-worth of stuff. You mail it in, they store it, then they mail it back whenever you want. You pay by the box rather than by the locker-space. If Amazon ran it, it might resemble a highly computerized, automated, centralized mashup of mail storage and eBay, The result is either a higher utilization of stuff or a tremendous cyclical industry when the new owner realizes she didn't really need a second spatula and sends it back to storage. (Makes me think of Sylvester McMonkey McBean.)

This could put some existing self-storage facilities out of business. But I have a plan for that, too: micro-apartments. (They could be furnished with the surplus spatulas.)

Imagine my relief?

Yesterday, I was going to Tweet, "No one ever got listeria from potato chips." But then I thought I should fact check that statement. I asked Siri to look up potato chip recalls and it turns out there have been three in recent history:

• 2016: Kettle Chips were recalled over fears that their product may contain plastic pieces.

• 2015: Herr's recalled their chips over fears that their product were not actually gluten free. (No, really, that happened.)

• 2013: Grippo's chips were recalled because their chips might have metal fragments in them. (I don't know why but this reminds me of Bag o Glass.)

So, then, I thought "Well, no one ever got listeria from Spam!" But in

• 1998: There was a recall for metal fragments found when running the product through a metal detector. (They did know the product packaging was metal, right?)

No listeria-related recalls were found, however, so pig out but be sure to floss!

Pretty cool

Steve Walters was in my high school class. I won't say what year. (It was a long time ago.)

Get an extra kiss this New Years Eve!

  INTERNATIONAL EARTH ROTATION AND REFERENCE SYSTEMS SERVICE (IERS) 

SERVICE INTERNATIONAL DE LA ROTATION TERRESTRE ET DES SYSTEMES DE REFERENCE

SERVICE DE LA ROTATION TERRESTRE DE L'IERS
OBSERVATOIRE DE PARIS                                   
61, Av. de l'Observatoire 75014 PARIS (France)
Tel.      : +33 1 40 51 23 35
e-mail    : services.iers@obspm.fr
http://hpiers.obspm.fr/eop-pc


                                              Paris, 6 July 2016
                                                           
                                              Bulletin C 52
                                
 To authorities responsible for the measurement and distribution of time                                         


                                   UTC TIME STEP
                            on the 1st of January 2017
                      

 A positive leap second will be introduced at the end of December 2016.
 The sequence of dates of the UTC second markers will be:                
                
                          2016 December 31, 23h 59m 59s
                          2016 December 31, 23h 59m 60s
                          2017 January   1,  0h  0m  0s
              
 The difference between UTC and the International Atomic Time TAI is:

  from 2015 July 1, 0h UTC, to 2017 January 1 0h UTC   : UTC-TAI = - 36s
  from 2017 January 1, 0h UTC, until further notice    : UTC-TAI = - 37s 


  
 Leap seconds can be introduced in UTC at the end of the months of December 
 or June, depending on the evolution of UT1-TAI. Bulletin C is mailed every 
 six months, either to announce a time step in UTC or to confirm that there 
 will be no time step at the next possible date.


                                              Christian Bizouard
                                              Head
                                              Earth Orientation Center of IERS
                                              Observatoire de Paris, France

Dear Condominium Homeowners Association:

Who's idea was it to change the light bulb in the streetlamp outside my bedroom window? And, what is the reason the new bulb is bright enough to see from outer space? Maybe that's an exaggeration. I don't go walking after dark so it's possible that you changed all the streetlamps and their current purpose is only to guide incoming flights to PDX.

I am surprised that no one else has complained. Mine is not the only bedroom to face this particular streetlamp. It wasn't so bothersome a few months ago when I kept my windows closed but with the warmer weather, I tend to leave my windows and blinds open. I don't mean to over-share but the rather strong glow of this streetlamp blinds me in the middle of the night when I return from a trip to the bathroom (although I do find it a convenience for my path to the bathroom to be so well lit).

Or maybe we have a night-duty nurse as a neighbor? Perhaps she sleeps during the day and you are simulating daylight during the night hours for her benefit?

Maybe it was to deter crime. If so, it's working because I am unaware of any. Of course, I wasn't aware of any crime before you changed the light bulb. But, if I was thinking about committing a crime outside my bedroom window, I would think twice if I had to wear sunglasses in order to do it because who wears sunglasses at night?

Whatever the reason, I would ask that you change the light bulb back to its dimmer setting so that I might get some rest. Or else, might I suggest you provide sleeping masks to all my neighbors whose bedrooms also face the streetlamp?

Perhaps I'll take a walk at midnight tonight to see if there has been dancing in the streets around the complex during the wee hours. Maybe, I'm simply missing out on something.

Unrestfully yours,
Owner of 3B

The Best Fitness Advice: How to Get Free Potato Chips

In case you were wondering, and I'm sure you weren't, this is my favorite workout video:



The woman in the green yoga pants is an individual that goes by the name Betty Rocker. She used to put out a series of free workout videos on YouTube with the hope that you would eventually buy into her nutrition program. She still puts out videos but with less regularity. Her workouts are generally in the 15-minute range but will kick your butt.

The posted video is 36 minutes and while it doesn't require a lot of jumping around as most of her workouts involve, it is definitely ass-kicking. I have been doing it for over a year and have never done the whole thing. I can do two-thirds at one stretch but my usual routine is a 1.5 mile run, followed by one-third of this video, followed by sit-ups and other calisthenics. The whole routine takes 45-60 minutes.

Now that I have my Health app linked in with my Walgreens app, I should be able to earn enough points to buy potato chips in no time.

Julie McCoy . . .

. . . was a character from the television show "The Love Boat" which ran from 1977 to 1987. More recently, Julie has become Hubby's nickname for me because I carry around a virtual clipboard of sorts with all the entertainment options available to us at any given moment. My Google calendar keeps track of what's playing in the Seattle, Vancouver, and Portland theaters; Pacific Northwest brewfests; art walks; and, concerts.

There's so much going on that someone has to keep track of it all.

If you want to know what's going on, all you need is WUV. (Just click on the link or look for the WUV tab at the top of this page.)

More Than 100 Reasons Not To Move To The Desert

1) It's hot.

2) Still hot. 

3) It was 106 at 10:26 pm. 

4) The forecast was for 90 at sunrise. 

Still, I went out around 7:30 to fetch the newspaper and 93 felt refreshing. Go figure. 

5) 124?! Are you kidding me??

6) You get the picture. 

Plan Your Summer Vacation Now!

The Spamerican! Tour

Note the Spam Museum is in Austin, Minnesota.

Meet you there?

Now & Then

What are Now and Then up to now? Same old, same old. They're bumping around in the back of my brain. But they're thinking of making a break for it, finding new life on fresh pages.

Sure, I say that every year but this time I mean it.

You know, unless I find something else to do.

Problem Solved

I finally got around to cleaning up my office recently. The problem arose as to what to do with my In Box, overflowing with paper.

I shoved it in a closet. Hey, I figured, if there's something really important in there someone will be sure to let me know.

Is it me or is Starbucks getting desperate?

They keep sending me emails, offering 30, 50, 100 stars! The last one read, "Come in before 10am and collect 30 Bonus Stars on almost anything you'd like . . . "

Please, just buy something.

Maybe not like you . . .

Forbes | From Tax Geek To World's Fastest Triathlete: A Q&A With Olympic Gold Medal Favorite Gwen Jorgensen

" ...before Jorgensen was the top female triathlete on the planet, she was a tax geek, just like you and me. That’s right; at the time she was identified by USA Triathlon as having the necessary swim-run background to excel at the sport, Jorgensen occupied a cubicle in the corporate tax group of Ernst & Young in Milwaukee, doing the things young tax geeks do: formatting spreadsheets, loathing busy-season dinner choices, and using the Internal Revenue Code to prop up a second monitor. "

Go, Tax Geek, go!

Last Week Tonight

A humorous, if not horrifying, look at the debt business. And, make no mistake, it is a huge business. It's 21 minutes long - just long enough to watch while eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.




For a tax geek perspective on the story, you can read about it (in far shorter time) at Forbes | John Oliver Buys And Forgives $15 Million In Medical Debt: But Is The Forgivness Taxable?.

What the floss?

I went to the dentist recently and came back empty-handed. No lollipop, no toothbrush, no floss. I didn't even get a dentist because he had already gone home for the day. I saw my regular hygienist and the dentist phoned it in the next day.

At the end of my treatment she offered, "Do you need dental products? A toothbrush? Floss?" To which I replied, "Need? No." But that wasn't really the point. The point is I've come to expect the free toothbrush and floss. Because, otherwise, why go to the dentist hygienist in the first place?

Also, there is a toothbrush hierarchy. The new toothbrush is to replace my old toothbrush which becomes the travel toothbrush; the travel toothbrush becomes the boat toothbrush; and, the boat toothbrush becomes the one under the sink that I keep just in case I need to clean some really tiny thing.

Now, you might wonder why I would need or care about a $1.50 toothbrush if I have a boat. It's not about the $1.50. It's about the fact that I have to put cardboard the size of a playing cards in my mouth before I have my head irradiated every 12 months. I don't want the dentist - the dentist who, btw, tells me i should come see him twice a year - to get my teeth scraped with a torturously sharp metal toothpick while I gag on my own spit.

But, wait! There's more! I can also get my gums poked once a year with a teeny tiny depth gauge just to see how far they can sink it below my gum line. They tag team for this event. One pokes while the other records the reading. I hear one call out 1, 2, 3, or 4 while the other one scribbles. Greater depths merit a lecture on the value of regular flossing.

For this I pay a subscription which is to say I pay in advance of services. For an annual sum, I get two scrapings, buff, and waxes, one gum prodding, and one X-ray per year at the risk of brain tumors. (Do we know if the rats in this study had good teeth?)

Sure, I can read yesterday's paper in the waiting room for free but is it too much to ask for a free toothbrush? (And can you make it red?)

Nostalgia on the Sea

We are about to meet up with some of our boating friends this weekend and I am reminded of our very first boat cruise. It was in 2008, I think, and we cruised with the very fine people of Rainier Yacht Club. We started in Lake Washington (in Washington), went through the locks into Puget Sound, and worked our way towards Thetis Island in Canada with several stops along the way.

Naturally, for a trip of this magnitude, I felt it was only necessary to bring my Starbucks Barista coffee grinder and my Starbucks Barista espresso machine. (Both were re-branded Saeco machines.)

It rained during most of our trip and by the time we got to Canada I was tired of being cold and wet. Then my coffee grinder jammed and I thought I was done with boating forever. Luckily, we were traveling with a Porsche mechanic and a boat mechanic who were more than eager to help and tear the thing apart.

They fixed it in no time, even as I was wringing my hands with worry, and order was restored. The rest of our trip was without incident (at least so far as coffee was concerned) and we have been boating ever since. Also, I learned a couple things:

• It is not necessary to bring a coffee grinder and an espresso maker on a boat. It might make sense on a larger boat but cruising on our boat is more like camping with a water view. (Pre-ground coffee and a press pot will suffice.)

• Always travel with mechanics in your posse. I can't tell you how many times those two have come to our aid on the water. They became good friends and our boating mentors.

I still have that grinder (and the espresso maker) and they both work fine. Every time I get ready for another cruise, I pre-grind the coffee, pack my press pot, and remember.

Hello, Spencer!

Bathroom Politics

Ted Cruz is Zodiac Killer

Time to buy a lottery ticket . . .

• The Chicago White Sox, Chicago Cubs, and Seattle Mariners all lead their respective divisions in major league baseball.

• For the first time in 45 years, there are no Canadian teams in the Stanley Cup Playoffs.

. . . because what are the odds?

January Must've Been A Bad Month

It's not Google you have to worry about, it's Starbucks.

" Starbucks will ultimately know as much about your day as Google and Facebook do. " 

ZDNet - Starbucks' digital transformation: The takeaways every enterprise needs to know

They are doing this by expanding their digital ecosystem by partnering with companies outside their industry to offer goods and services to Starbucks customers.

" In a statement, Howard Schultz, the chief executive of Starbucks, said, 'We see a future in which the Starbucks retail experience seamlessly extends to the mobile devices our millions of customers carry with them every day.' 

The New York Times - Some New York Times Articles to Appear Free on Starbucks App

My Starbucks Rewards members will soon be able to read Starbucks-recommended articles using the Starbucks app and can also earn stars, Starbucks' digital currency, for purchasing a subscription.

Starbucks' relationship with Spotify allows members to listen to the same music that plays in their stores through the Starbucks app. It also allows members to influence what music is played and earn stars for in-app purchases.

Members can earn stars by using Lyft. They will also be able to tip their drivers with Starbucks eGift Cards.

The latest building block in their empire, in partnership with Chase Bank, is a Starbucks prepaid debit card.

Despite some possible rewards points complexity, Starbucks stands to reap a specific benefit from its card deal with Chase: better cash flow.

The Motley Fool - Why Starbucks Wants You to Load Up Its Prepaid Visa Debit Car

Starbucks will have access to what you read, what you listen to, where you go, and now they will have access to your purchasing habits. Starbucks already offers a prepaid card - which generates $150 million annually in positive net cash flow - but it can only be used on Starbucks merchandise. A debit card will allow members to earn stars for third-party purchases and will give Starbucks a whole lot of data on members' purchasing habits.

It's interesting, on a theoretical level, how businesses are blurring industry boundaries but scary, too, because we have to trust that these businesses will safeguard our information. Starbucks plans to invest over $250 million in technology in 2016. Let's just hope they get some good IT people for that.

Specialists in the 2016 NFL Draft

A total of 253 players were drafted in this year's NFL draft, five of whom were as specialists. The Chargers, Jets, and Broncos drafted punters. The Buccaneers drafted a kicker and the Lions drafted a long snapper - Jimmy Landes from Baylor University.

Only two specialists were drafted in 2015 - a punter and long snapper Joe Cardona.

If you are following along, Nathan Theus, the long snapper from University of Georgia, was signed by the Broncos. The Cardinals, the only team without a long snapper going into the draft, signed Kameron Canaday from Portland State University.

Clint Gresham, former long snapper for the Seattle Seahawks, remains unemployed although he reported on Twitter earlier today that he plans to write a book entitled, "How I See the World - Upside Down."

Okay, I made that last part up. (The title, not the book.) It's really called, "Snap Chat."

(Okay, not really.)

NFL Draft Day 1

No specialists were drafted on Day One.

Waist Management - Corsets are Making a Comeback

I don't know how I stumbled upon this but apparently this is already out there. It's a thing. I was simply unaware. Your waist can be trained. Or tamed.

One is effected by wearing a steel boned corset. Literally. Taming refers to the trend of wearing a latex waist cincher, according to Waist Training 101: Everything You Need to Know:

" The most basic definition of waist training is the process of using a steel boned corset to modify your waist into an hourglass shape with semi-permanent results. . . . The hourglass figure is attained as a result of the moving of floating ribs and the reduction of space in the abdomen. Weight loss tends to happen mainly because the corset also acts as an external LAP band, not allowing you to eat large quantities while wearing the corset.

" We tend to refer to the current trend of latex 'waist trainers' (yes, the Kim Kardashian variety) as 'waist taming', as there is no way to truly cinch them and even the firmest latex can't compare to stainless steel bones. "

When I put "waist trainer" in my search engine, I am disturbed by the images that are returned. Women are altering there bodies, sometimes to extreme lengths. Some are smiling or posing provocatively while others post pictures of their injuries or disfigurements as a result of wearing these devises.

When I enter "corsets" on Amazon.com, I see products that appear to be marketed as sexy lingerie while others use the words "corset" along with "weight loss" and "fat burner" as part of the product name. I saw one described as a "sport workout shaper." Another has it all: the "Waist Trainer Corset for Weight Loss Sport Workout Body Shaper Tummy Fat Burner."

Waist Training 101 says, "Women discussing 'waist training' these days are, more often than not, likely discussing it as a part of their workout plan." 

Corset Center also attributes the trend to Kim Kardashian:

" Kim started the whole craze when she posted a photo on Instagram of her wearing a corset device. . . . Since she posted the photo, sales have skyrocketed for these waist training devices, and more women than ever before have jumped on the bandwagon. . . . 

" The highly coveted hourglass figure is what women are after . . ."

This is not the first time corsets have been in fashion. And, it's not the last trend to promulgate an ideal female body image. But, wow. I am aghast.

Balls

It's NFL Draft Day and we're still sorting out Deflategate. The issue itself may even be inflated to the Supreme Court which seems absurd. However, the cloak and dagger rules surrounding the handling of NFL balls may serve to explain why the high court must sort out the issues relating to ethical and appropriate ball handling.

Each team supplies 24 new balls (12 primary balls plus 12 backup balls) before each game.  Security is tight for the balls until each team's balls are distributed about 10 minutes before the game. Each team only plays with their own balls at all times. They do not play with each other's balls.

It used to be that NFL footballs were delivered directly to game officials before every game but quarterbacks were unsatisfied with how their balls were being roughed up by the officials. The rules were changed a decade ago to allow quarterbacks to rough up their own balls according to their own liking.

Footballs are now delivered to the equipment managers and teams can practice with their own balls the week before the game. Two hours before game time, however, their balls must be submitted to officials for inspection. After inspection, the balls are in the possession of ball boys for about ten minutes before they're brought to the field. On game day, teams don't even get to warm up their own balls. They have to warm up with practice balls.

Kickers are not to be trusted with their own balls. 12 separate balls are delivered directly to the officials. After inspection, those balls are guarded by an NFL employee hired specifically to handle those balls. No one else can touch the kickers' balls.

In high school football, the number of required balls is less and in youth football, they're lucky to have more than one ball among them. But it all goes to show that this business of balls is much more complicated than most people know. No wonder we need experts in the law to sort it all out.

Meanwhile, and in not completely unrelated news, there has been a lot of movement in the world of long snappers. As you will recall, Andrew East was signed as long snapper for the Seahawks with the waiver of Clint Gresham. But before I could even order a jersey, East was waived in favor of Drew Ferris.

The Broncos picked up Casey Kreiter who replaces Aaron Brewer who now snaps for the Bears. Kreiter was signed after a workout in Denver that included Christian Yount who was later signed by the Patriots. The other snapper on the Patriots roster, Joe Cardona, was selected in the fifth round of last year's draft.

The Cardinals were the only team to go into this year's draft without a long snapper. Maybe it will be Nathan Theus. (For an interesting article on long snapping - and to find out who Nathan Theus is - this is a good article from Sports Illustrated.) Maybe it'll be Clint Gresham but I hope the Seahawks end up renegotiating his contract. After all, I already have the jersey.

Hypocrisy or just better than most?

The House passed a bill (HR1206) that would prohibit the IRS from adding staff until it can show that none of its employees have tax-delinquency issues even though the delinquency rate for congressional staffs is roughly 5 times that of IRS employees. (One percent versus five.)

Meanwhile, the rate is nine percent for the general population. Then it's called tax evasion, not delinquency, so I'm not sure that counts.

The House passed another bill (HR 4890) that prohibits the IRS from handing out bonuses until they provide a customer service strategy. “The IRS failed to answer 8 million calls during tax season last year. Yet over a short five-year period, they handed out nearly $6 million in bonuses to themselves,” noted House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy.

(Bonuses for not working? I don't recall the World Headquarters for Work Avoidance paying bonuses. Maybe my check got lost in the mail.)

Lastly, as many of you have asked if I've recovered from the tax season yet, here is an excellent summary of what tax season is like:

" Busy season is over. Last Tuesday, tens of thousands of tax preparers simultaneously emerged from their months-long social cocoon in desperate need of a nap, a tan, and a treadmill. 

" Soon enough, the long hours, the bad food, and the untenable stress imposed by clients, coworkers, and deadlines — both real and arbitrary– will be a distant memory. Also to fade will be that sobering thought that nagged you all winter — the one where you remembered, during your darker moments, that you were enduring all of the physical and emotional abuse just to put numbers on a form that have a 1-3% chance of being inspected by the IRS. "

I Hope You Had A Good Tax Season, Because Next Year Is Going To Be A Nightmare - Forbes

In the article, Tony Nitti explains what we tax preparers have to look forward to next year which most of you won't be interested in. However, my accountant friends will appreciate his closing remarks:

" You might say, well, why not file extensions and then prepare the returns in May, June and July, and August so that there is no busy season at all? To which I would respond, 'you must be new here.' "

After

The dust hasn't quite settled and tax returns still float through my dreams but I found a beach on which to recuperate so we are hoping to be back to normal soon. As if tax season isn't a whirlwind unto itself, I spent the last days of it in four offices, two of which were mobile (one of which had an amazing view). One of my offices was temporarily shut down and I relocated to a fifth office to finish out Tax Day.

Somehow, it all got done. It always does and I never know how. There's always a new client on the last day and always an existing client who brings in his stuff with hours to go. It's a crazy business, tax prep, but now the pressure is off and I can breathe for a while.

At this very moment, I'm drinking coffee in bed and looking out at the ocean. I might just stay here for a while.

You look mahvelous, dahling.

Complimentary bike rentals. Does that mean they go with my outfit?

Video

Wait for it...

There! See it?

That's my grandfather you're talking about.

From the world headquarters of work avoidance:

The old man and the tax accountant | 76003.1414

1

This is it, people. Now or never time.

2

Two half wits do not make a full wit. 

The law of diminishing returns applies. 

3

Q: What's your blog about?

A: Snarkasm.

4

Coffee, wine, coffee, wine, ... Someone, please bring me some MORE!

5

Relaxing is no longer a passive activity.

6

I find blinking is optional.

7

Sometimes, I have to remind myself to breathe.

8

There comes a time in every tax season when a tax preparer will wake in the middle of the night with a particular tax return in mind and think, "Dammit! The passive activity loss carryover won't apply this year because the passthrough activity was final last year!"

Quick! She must find a way to remind herself of this sometime after her alarm clock goes off, assuming she can get back to sleep after such a concerning thought as that.

I keep a simple and easy solution on my nightstand for such occasions (as it invariably happens more than once). It's recycled, renewable, and currently sustainable. It's easily obtained this time of year:

Dust.

9

I just turned my wall calendar to April. Distracted much?

10

Put my shirt on inside out and backwards this morning.

I was okay with that.

Giving the government your money has never been easier!

IRS Now Allows Tax Payments at 7-Eleven Stores | accountingweb

" Our bill-payment solution is quick, easy, reliable, and secure . . . ."

Eight years from now, you'll be able to vote for president at the 7-Eleven.

Revamp

I'm thinking about rebranding my blog as being more entertainment and coffee-related. I'll call it

Seen and Bean Scene

2 Weeks

14 days.

336 hours.

20,160 minutes.

Far too many tax returns.

(Too little sleep.)

((Not enough coffee.))

Or

Shortness of breath, rapid heartbeat, increased blood pressure, anxiety, and a sense of impending doom. . . . Could be Acute Stress Reaction.

Or

Tax Season.

(What are the symptoms of A Cute Stress Reaction? A startled kitten video on Facebook?)

Three Weeks - ish

Thanks for stopping by. Yes, I'm still here. I've just got my head down. Working. (I know, I know. Don't do it!)

Three weeks to go, or thereabouts. Was feeling pretty good about everything yesterday. Was even allowed to go outside for a bit. But, overnight, I got eight more tax returns. It's a little bit like Christmas - only in reverse: Someone comes in the middle of the night and leaves something that no one wants.

This is the point in time when, every year, I wonder how we'll make it to the finish line. My only comfort is that I wonder the same thing every year and every year we make it. Don't know how it happens except there's a whole lot of coffee involved.

I'm wondering what it would cost to have a drip feed installed at my desk.

Just in case you were looking for an explanation

The Joint Committee on Taxation issued a summary of all tax legislation enacted in 2015, which details all legislative modifications and explains Congress's reasons for changes to most provisions. The "General Explanation of Tax Legislation Enacted in 2015",commonly known as the "Blue Book," is available at www.jct.gov/publications.html?func=startdown&id=4874 .

It's only four hundred pages long and by clicking on the link it will be automatically downloaded to your computer. Considering the security of government computers, you might think twice about going there. Besides, it wasn't much of an explanation.

Senior Moment?

Do you ever go to your smartphone for a particular purpose - to check your weather app, say - and, on the way, forget why you went to your phone in the first place? It's like walking into a room to get your reading glasses only to forget why you walked into the room. You pause, look around, and wonder, "What the hell did I come in here for?" You look around and decide you have to leave the room in order to recall your steps and, therefore, hopefully, your thoughts. The motivation for walking into the room in the first place.

Oh, but I do that with my phone. I pick it up for a specific purpose and see notifications that clearly need attention: email, Facebook, past due reminders, Words With Friends. I feel compelled to clear them all and when I do, I can't remember what I picked up the phone up for in the first place.

It certainly wasn't to make a phone call.

Coffee Order

I offered to buy coffee for the office tomorrow. Here's the order:

S1: Tall flat white (What is that, btw, a paint color?)
S2: Grande mocha latte with soy
R: Grande carmel macchato
K: Ditto ("It's Friday. Why not have more sugar?")
P: Potato chips

Beware the C Dot Curse

You've heard of the Madden curse:  "Conjecture involving video game series Madden NFL, stating that the season a player appears on the cover, that player will be cursed with either an injury or poor performance."

The C Dot Curse: When I buy a Seahawks jersey, that player leaves Seattle. 

My first jersey was for Kicker Josh Brown. He left for the Rams in 2008. It wasn't until 2015 that I purchased my second jersey for Long Snapper Clint Gresham. He had just signed a three-year deal so I felt it was a good investment. We even became friends on Twitter.

He got canned yesterday.

According to the Seattle Times: 

" The 29-year-old Gresham had signed a three-year deal worth $2.7 million on March, 20, 2015 as an unrestricted free agent. His contract called for an $860,000 salary cap hit in 2016 and $1 million in 2017, with dead cap numbers of $200,000 and $100,000 (meaning, the Seahawks are saving $660,000 and $900,000 against the cap). 

" Seattle recently signed free agent long snapper Andrew East to a one-year deal worth $450,000, so the Seahawks can save a bit of money with the release of Gresham. "

Since the Seahawks is saving all this money, I expect the them to buy me a new jersey. Watch out, Jon Ryan!


Of course, I could get a Steven Hauschka jersey but he already has a backup gig as a belt model so. . . .

But, wait! It may too early to run out and get an Andrew East jersey. From NBC Sports:

" Seattle signed snapper Andrew East to a futures contract in January. East spent the 2015 offseason with the Kansas City Chiefs but was released at the end of training camp. He could be the first option in line to replace Gresham this season. "

The option deal was signed in January. Yet, Wikipedia already defines Mr. East as a long snapper for Seattle. We don't have a long snapper. We have an option! (Are there optional jerseys?)

I guess this means Clint can come to the next Cornhole 4 Cash Tournament at Blechschmidt Meadowlands.

Thank you to my nephew, Riley, who brought this to my attention last night before I had to read it in the papers. I've had time to digest it all, but will have to take the day off work because I'm so distraught. Friday, I will wear Clint's jersey for the last time out of respect for the 96 straight games he snapped for Seattle.

(Oh, snap.)

Night Sky

An Excellent Way to Celebrate Pi Day

Contestant #37

In conjunction with their Math Moves! exhibit, the Pacific Science Center in Seattle hosted a KenKen tournament last Saturday, March 12th. Normally held in New York, annually in December, the contest was held on the west coast for the first time ever. I was there not only as your faithful correspondent but as contestant #37.

There was a total 51 contestants plus a small group of spectators. I was the only one there representing the media, the event having escaped the attention of KOMO News located directly across the street.

KenKen is a puzzle invented in 2004 by math teacher Tetsuya Miyamoto and can be found in the puzzle section of most major newspapers. You can also play it online at kenkenpuzzle.com or by downloading an app to your mobile device. The first U.S. KenKen tournament was held in March 2009 in Brooklyn, with Miyamoto in attendance.

The coveted prize

Math genius

The tournament consisted of three rounds of three puzzles each. Each round was twenty minutes long. 1,000 points were awarded for each correctly completed puzzle and additional points were awarded by how quickly all three puzzles were completed. At the end of three rounds, the top three scorers were invited to solve giant puzzles placed on easels so that all could watch their math genius.

I was roughly the 15th person to complete all three puzzles in the first round but only managed to complete two puzzles in the second round and only one in the third. I scored a total of 5,070 which means that one of the six puzzles I completed must have contained a mistake. 70 points were awarded for time. The top score was 10,110 - 6,000 for six correctly completed puzzles plus 4,110 points for time. I finished in 27th place.

It was math geek heaven. Not only did I get a free pencil out of the deal, I got to meet Bob Fuhrer who is the man responsible for bringing the game to the United States and figuring out how to make money from it. And even though it was a couple of days early, it was an excellent way to celebrate Pi Day.

Almost famous or lab rat?

I was recently contacted by Christopher Wienberg, a Ph.D. candidate in the University of Southern California's Department of Computer Science, who is "researching the personal experiences people write on the web about their everyday lives" and Chocolate Chip Mint came to his attention. Not because he reads me, I'm sure, but because some software does.

According to his USC profile:

" My research focuses on how people present themselves on the web, and how machines can utilize the knowledge encoded in these presentations. In particular, I am investigating automatic methods for learning characteristics of bloggers who maintain a public journal of their personal lives. By leveraging the significant amount of text that these web authors provide about themselves, we plan to automatically extract information about them, including a demographic profile. In tandem with survey sample re-weighting techniques, we will investigate if a sample of web users can be used to characterize an offline population. "

His research is intriguing. Previous, related, research resulted in a documentary short - about 17 minutes - called "Friends You Haven't Met Yet" which can be viewed on YouTube. (Additional information from USC.)

I asked Mr. Wienberg, "Why me?" He responded:

" I work in the Narrative Group at USC, and we’re interested in storytelling and the knowledge contained in stories. Several years ago, we wrote software to automatically find personal, non-fiction stories written on weblogs. It makes errors from time to time (confuses fiction with non-fiction, for instance) but for the most part it’s pretty good. Our software picked up your blog as one that these sorts of stories are posted to fairly often. "

I find it interesting that Chocolate Chip Mint was selected as a test subject but I must apologize to Mr. Weinberg because I'm not much of a story teller. Frankly, I'm not very interesting at all. When someone I haven't seen in a while asks me, "So, what have you been up to?" I'm at a loss for words. "Same old, same old," is my usual reply. (Translation, btw, is "My mundane and prolifically repetitive routine, interspersed with vagabond rockstar weekends, is the same as it was last week.")

I did not inherit the storytelling gene. I inherited the organizing gene.

Nevertheless, Mr. Weinberg's computer, I hope you enjoy my blog.

I have no idea what Siri wants me to do with this but they're all past due. 

For Real

Taken from Google Earth but this is really what it looks like. 

http://my.clevelandclinic.org/services/neurological_institute/lou-ruvo-brain-health

Might be time to buy in?

Which candidate is going to fix this problem?

" Many of the special personal identification numbers given out by the Internal Revenue Service to protect victims of identity theft may have been stolen, according to a security research site. " 

IRS Experienced Identity Theft of IP PINs - Accounting Today

But, it is a word.

Verifiable.

Let's say that you don't faint at the idea of doing a tax return. Yours, perhaps.

Maybe you could do more than one. A friend's.

You might even do them for an entire day. Say, eight to ten hours.

Or, you could do them for 100 days. In a row.

But, then you'd be crazy.

Because, who wouldn't want this?

And, what, pray tell, is the Unemployed Philosophers Guild? Find out here.

Black Rock, Part II

Stopped in on my way to work ... and they remembered my name.

Barista's name was Rachel.

I'll remember that, too.

What's a Black Rock?

It's a coffee joint that just opened up across the street from 'bucks. They started in Oregon in 2008 and now have 15 locations there. They have six locations in Washington, and one in California. One of them is on my way to work.

Today, I decided to stop in and check it out. My regular drink - a tall, soy latte with two shots - cost a full dollar less than what I was paying across the street. And, they gave me a loyalty punch card. It was made out of paper and they punch holes in it every time you buy a cup of coffee. Can you imagine it? And, I only have to buy 10 to get a free cup of joe. I think I'm in love!

This morning's coffee tasted mighty fine.

('Bye 'bye 'bucks.)

Pick Me! Pick Me!

" Windfall films are on the hunt for a practitioner who wants to explore their sense of adventure, as the company looks to re-enact a famous 18th Century voyage across the Pacific Ocean.

" The company is looking for an accountant who will be responsible for the ships finances, otherwise known as a ‘purser'.

" If selected, the lucky accountant will set sail in a historically accurate replica boat this summer, but will have to survive on basic rations and endure extremely tough weather. "

AccountancyAge - Taking Stock: Accountant needed for maritime adventure show

Hey, I'm an accountant! And, a boater! Not to mention surviving on basic rations and enduring extremely tough weather is the very definition of Tax Season!

Sign me the freak up!

Still cracks me up.

It's a little early in the year to be posting this one but it still cracks me up.


In about seven weeks, it'll make me cry.

How many stars for a cup of coffee?

" In the long run, perhaps there will be an entire ecosystem built around Starbucks Rewards. " Forbes - Yet Another Starbucks Loyalty Miscue?

125, is the answer. Who has pockets that big? Do I have to count them all out when I want a cup of coffee? Are there star denominations? That would make them a helluva lot easier to carry around.

Listen, if I don't have my cup of coffee there's no way I can even count to 125 and unless Starbucks fixes its website, I'll never know how many I have. (Starbucks isn't keen to tell you how many stars you have lest you decide not to accumulate more stars than absolutely necessary.) And, now, if you don't earn stars fast enough they'll expire, just like real stars, making it really tough to keep track of them all.

Beginning in April, you'll have to accumulate 125 stars for a cup of coffee before they start to expire - which is after six months. At $0.50 per star, that's a minimum of $62.50 - or $125 per year. For. A. Cup. Of. Coffee.

But that's only for people who have earned 300 stars in a year ($150). To recap, you have to spend $150 just to be eligible to spend another $62.50 to earn a free cup of coffee. But once you've earned 300 stars, you can keep spending $62.50 per cup of coffee as long as you continue to spend $150/year. Otherwise, you have to start over. And, what of those expiring stars? How does a person keep 300 stars in one's pocket if there's a whole in the bottom of it?

If you already have stars in your pocket, they will be re-valued at 11 each. But, in six months, they'll be valued at 0. Try to keep up.

Does anyone remember punch cards - get your card punched 12 times and you can cash it in for a free cup of joe? Seemed a lot easier. And, in my mind, it created the habit of stopping in and buying something. But, apparently, I'm not buying enough.

I was in a Starbucks recently, not far from the original store. It had no chairs but it had a lot of power strips. Message: you can use our wifi for free as long as you don't stay long.

And, starting in April, as long as you spend a lot of money while you're standing there.

How to make pizza last forever.

Don't eat it.

It's Friday and tonight we're going to do - nothing. We're renting a movie (okay, that's something) and eating leftover pizza.

I'm pretty sure that pizza's been in the freezer since sometime last year.

We could go see a local production of Avenue Q. Smokey Joe's Cafe is also playing nearby. Hateful Eight is in the movie theater. (That one's tempting.) Next weekend, it's opera. The weekend after that it's Ron White. The weekend after that it's Bacon Eggs & Kegs and the following weekend it's the local brewfest. Last weekend, it was How to Succeed in Busness and a few days before that, we saw Adam Sandler.

But tonight, pizza and a movie.

We should be able to finish off the last of it sometime in April, I think.

Long Snapper News

The Columbian - Thursday, February 18, 2016

I didn't know!

Who knew Thingadailies was a thing? I certainly didn't. If I had, I would have been doing things daily. As it is, I've been mostly avoiding doing things.

Of course, some things can't be avoided. Like, death and taxes although most of us would like to avoid both of those for as long as possible. But, since my day job is as a tax preparer, the only thing I'm managing to avoid - at the moment - is death. (Let's hope I continue to be successful in both endeavors.)

The only good thing about preparing taxes - today, at least - is that I've reached the end of the day without wanting to kill someone. This is notable because that's all I've wanted to do since I flipped the page from January on my wall calendar two weeks ago. We changed software providers this year which saved the firm an amount approximating half my salary and the learning curve has proved quite frustrating. Added to that are data conversion woes and follow ups with technical support to get it all up and running properly.

Twice, I've been near tears. Once, I thought about quitting. Last week, I offered my boss four figures to switch back to the old software provider (which is when I found out that wouldn't be nearly enough money).

I'm trying to have a good attitude. Really, I am. And it might be paying off. Today is the first day it all seems to be working. It seems to finally be coming together. I did a tax return today and nobody died!

Shame, though, as my frustration of late has been the reasoning for drinking martinis after work. Now, I'll have to find something else to do with my evening hours.

But, now, there's Thingadialies. I can be doing things. (Daily.)

This time of year I have to remind myself.

Something within me dies. . . .

Wireless-less

I've been in a desert the last few days, literally and figuratively. No wifi, no cable, but lots and lots of sun and sand. Nothing to do but lie about and read. Roughing it.

Plugged back in now but while I was gone a whole bunch of people decided to get their tax stuff organized so it looks like tax season is in full swing. Freezer is stocked with leftovers. Office is stocked with coffee and chocolate. Should be set for a while.

I also have several weekend diversions planned over the next few weeks so it won't be all work and no play. Not yet. That starts just after March 15th. Then, things get crazy.

Sun is just coming up and I've already drained my coffee cup. Guess that means it's time to go to work.

Makes me long for the desert.

Sweet Indeed

Being an accountant is not without it's high points.

The first tax return came in earlier this week and landed on my desk yesterday. Meanwhile:

IRS Systems Outage Shuts Down Tax Processing

This is so beautiful, I can hardly stand it. But the good news is this:

“At this time, the IRS does not anticipate major refund disruptions; we continue to expect that 9 out of 10 taxpayers will receive their refunds within 21 days.”

That tenth guy is just SOL.

Geek Heaven

Have you made your Pi Day plans yet? That's okay, you still have time. It's a little more than five weeks away - March 12.

You could think about signing up for this: The West Coast KenKen Tournament At Pacific Science Center. Registration is limited to the first 200 people to sign up so you better hurry. There's at least one signed up already.

That's right. I registered.

My best time for a 9x9 is something like 15 minutes. They usually take an hour, although, frequently, I can get it under 30 minutes. Don't know what I'm talking about? KenKen is a puzzle that's often included in the newspaper somewhere near the crossword puzzle.

Don't know what a newspaper is? You can play it online here or download it to your mobile device here.

The tournament is usually held in December. In New York. At the Chappaqua Public Library. It's on my calendar every year but I never go. But, now, it's coming to me. If you want to see what a KenKen tournament looks like, you can watch a suspenseful short movie about the first KenKen Puzzle Tournament here.

Kind of makes you want to go, right? I just printed out some practice puzzles. I'm super excited.

Hubby wants to know if there are cheerleaders. I'm thinking there should be. T-shirts, signs, cheers. Oh, yeah, baby! I can't wait!

Hallucinogenic Support

That's what it's called.

Beezow Doo-doo Zopittybop-bop-bop Arrested for Assault: Police

" Zopittybop-bop-bop, who grew up outside Chicago and later moved to Madison, Wisconsin, was born with the name Jeffrey Drew Wilschke. He legally changed it in 2011. He said in an interview with the Wisconsin State Journal his first name means "the explosion of awareness of the interconnectedness of the infinite love in the universe." Additionally, Doo-doo "is the struggle of our daily lives with that awareness, that with love comes chaos." "

Who is Shirley, anyway?

Woman Pulls Over Cop for Speeding, Gets Apology

" 'The reason I pulled you over today,' Castillo began much like many statements given by officers, 'is because I saw you since Miller Drive when you were first jumping onto the Palmetto, and you were pushing 90 miles an hour.' "

You go, girl. I would have just written a letter.

I did that once, back in the day, when I lived in Mayberry, I saw a police officer pull a u-turn but he didn't have his lights on.

I wrote a letter.

No one wrote back.

But, that was before cell phones or social media were invented. Or blogs. Now, I might blog about the injustice of cops breaking traffic laws.

Surely, that could make a difference.

Designer Genes

The UK Just Green-Lit Crispr Gene Editing in Human Embryos

" YESTERDAY, UK FERTILITY regulators gave the green light to gene editing in viable human embryos—a controversial first step toward what some see as a future of designer babies. Cue the dystopian think pieces. "

Microsoft Surface?

Cloud Computing Center Submerged Underwater

" 'This is speculative technology, in the sense that if it turns out to be a good idea, it will instantly change the economics of this business,' Whitaker said. "

What could go wrong?

Seems like there's a joke in here somewhere.

Secured perimeter fence included.

I know some Oregon ranchers who might be interested.

Or, Donald Trump.