I've never been good at gardening.

We have a nice window box in the kitchen where we decided we would try to grow some small, edible plants: tomatoes, spinach, cilantro, basil, some sort of lettuce, and something I can't identify yet. (We threw away the instructions as soon as they were planted and we can't remember what, exactly, was planted.)

The tomato plants are growing like mad and are huge water hogs. Since we are growing them indoors we don't, as of yet, have any kind of cages for them. (Chickens are cage free. Why not tomatoes?) But they got droopy so in order to prop them up a little I stuck some forks in the dirt and leaned their tender stalks upon the tines.

The lettuce has totally freaked out and may require psychiatric help and the spinach, I swear, is un-growing back into the dirt.

G

Shocked

Makes me wonder what the unsafe methods of removing static electricity are. Setting fire to your skirt?

And then . . .

. . . on Sunday, we pedaled into town on folding bikes only acquired the day before. To celebrate the brilliant weather as well as our new ride, we rode to dinner at a favorite Italian restaurant.

As we arrived at the restaurant, we could hear a loud, rhythmic beat as if the tavern down the street had all their windows open. After dinner, the beat was louder and it sounded exactly like the kind of thing we needed to check out.

We only had to travel a couple blocks to see it wasn't the tavern at all. It was the Full Moon Community Drum Circle hosted by the restaurant Mint Tea.

What else would it be?

Professional street performer.

Every seat on the patio was occupied by someone beating whatever percussion instrument they had brought along or borrowed. People of any (or no) ability were encourage to join in the drumming, dancing, or flame throwing in the streets. (What??)

Do not attempt at home.

And to think we almost missed it! Before we got to La Bottega, we had seriously considered watching the belly dancers at the Greek restaurant A Touch of Athens at Hidden House.

Well, if you need to know when the next full moon is, you can check the Community Drum Circle web page and plan your next bike ride accordingly.

I think I'll get the bell installed on my handlebars before the next one.

And on it goes.

Last Friday, while we were watching the sailboat races, a man wearing a bright green body stocking ran by. While we were contemplating this bizarre scene, Santa Claus trotted by. Within minutes, there was a steady stream of superheroes (and one villiain). Later I learned there’s a group called Runs, Grubs, and Chugs that organizes such events which generally end in drinking beer.

I’m seriously thinking about joining except I’m not sure if this will motivate me to run as much as it might motivate me to drink beer.

May the Fourth be with you.

Purple car!

In an effort to keep us kids quiet in the car, my grandmother suggested we look for purple cars. The trick worked only too well. Forty years later, we're still on the lookout for purple cars.

Hubby spotted this beauty today. He's been marred to a C Dot long enough to know that he had to call out, "Purple car!" or it wouldn't count. (For what, I don't know, but them's the rules.)

Another rule is if you can't follow the first rule, then I have to declare, "Chuck, chuck, bus to London!" which means I win and you don't.

Basically, I can evoke the Bus to London rule whenever I want and I always win.

The Hand Man. No Job Too Small.

Maybe Charlie Brown should start with painting his truck. 

It Just Keeps Getting Better and Better

Brian Kidd is the Unipiper: the unicycling bagpiper - Boing Boing

" Beer plus bagpipes 

The two hobbies came together one fateful evening in 2007, after Kidd and his friends from the aquarium had been drinking. "

You don't say.

His success as the Unipiper has led to his own beer: UnipIPA. (No Kidding.)

Why the NFL just gave up its nonprofit status: to escape scrutiny - Vox

" . . . lawmakers have used the tax-exempt status as a point of leverage in investigating the NFL's mishandling of concussions, among other issues.

Apparently, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and team owners decided the tax-exempt status was no longer worth it. . . . "

" But more important, filing as a taxable, privately held entity will mean that the NFL no longer has to disclose its income — or the oft-criticized salary of its commissioner, Goodell. "

Oh, no!

Pretty stressful when you have to be worrying about ominous clouds all the time. The Fox guys were all excited about naming it something like "Ominous 2015" or "Cloud-ageddon" but they didn't so, you know, it's just Anonymous Ominous. . . .

Speaking of which, if I was running for Student Council in southern California, say, on a platform of providing whole grains in all the drinking fountains, my slogan would be "Farro Faucet."

Get your updates here!

It's updates day in Windows-land which makes for excellent work avoidance but is seriously cutting into my goof off time. 

But I love to vacation there.

I Love Living Here

More Critters At The Airport, As Portland Signs Up Some Goats and Llamas - Jaunted

" For once the terminal’s carpet isn’t in the news, as this time it’s some llamas and goats taking center stage. "

That news made me think of this commercial. If you don't live here, you might not have seen it.



How can you not love that? Entertainment at every turn!

I'm confused. What's this?

Not parade marshal material, imo. 

Really?

Jeb Bush Is Definitely, Grumpily Running ... Away From Calories - The New York Times

" The rigid abstemiousness runs the risk of putting him at a dietary distance from an American electorate that still binges on carbohydrates and, after eight years of a tea-sipping president, craves a relatable eater in chief. "

Wait, where was I?

Free Starbucks for all? Computer glitch hits coffee giant - KOMO News

" At a Starbucks store in Seattle's South Lake Union neighborhood, customers were told staff members couldn't process orders. They were, however, being offered coffee at no charge. " 

Built In Work Avoidance

" Awesome news for bored people everywhere: Solitaire is about to make a huge comeback on Windows 10. "

Solitaire Is Coming Back on Windows 10 | PC Mag

Dancing In The Sun

Deep Fried Spam Masubi

Spam in the center of a sushi-like roll, deep fried, and sliced into sections. Glad I tried it but I might not go out of my way to try it again.

But wait! 

Isles' favorite meats meet in exclusive Spam treat | Honolulu Star Advertiser - TheBuzz

" Please stand by for this rather breathless scoop: Portuguese sausage-flavored Spam has been developed by Hormel Foods Corp., and the company has chosen Hawaii to debut the new flavor.

" "Hawaii is getting it first," Jennifer Nolander, Spam Brand product manager, told TheBuzz. In fact, "right now Hawaii is the only state that we're planning on selling it in," she said. "

Maybe that will make it better.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

I'm still doing tax returns in my sleep which should wear off in a day or two. Meanwhile, sunny and warm.

Hooray Beer!

Skipping because I can.

I used to run. A lot. Now, not so much. As much as I would like it to be a daily habit, I don't even walk every day. Sure, I walk to the coffee pot and back but I'm not sure that counts as exercise. (Maybe I should put it at the top of the stairs.)

Sometimes, I skip.

I don't mean, I skip the exercise altogether. (I often skip the exercise but that's not what I mean here.) I skip, as in "... to My Lou."

Hubby and I will be out walking and I'll just start skipping. He doesn't seem to mind my bizarre behavior. (He's grown accustomed to it, at this point.) Skipping requires a little more physical effort than walking but not as much as running. I figure it uses more muscles, too.

I'm just waiting for it to become "a thing." I especially like to skip in places where people are overly concerned with physical fitness - places with heavily populated walking paths, where people who are already physically fit parade their beautiful, well-tanned bodies in fashionable spandex gear, sporting Fitbits, and iPhones tucked into jog bras. (Don't ask me how the phones don't fall out because I have no idea.) I'm just waiting for someone to think I'm on to the next new fitness fad.

What I need to design, here, is skipping gear. Clothing with slogans like Skip For Joy!, a skipping app, special skipping shoes. Then, it will be a thing all right.

In the meantime, I'll just skip because I can. And, because I'm dying to see if it catches on.

Engine 5

Makawao Fire Station's brand new truck.

National Park Week

 No fee to visit a National Park this weekend.

Haleakalā National Park

Correction

Work in progress. 

Carpet Update

New stuff not yet installed. Will check back in about 10 days. 

Happy Tax Day, said no one ever

Today, I'm doing what I love best: I'm in a coffee shop - this one with with a view of the Columbia River - and writing.  I wish I had more time to do exactly this. But, it's 9:30 in the morning and I already feel my day slipping away. There's much to catch up on after spending the last several weeks doing nothing but tax returns. Like, food. Laundry. Personal grooming.

But it's a beautiful day and although I'm still doing tax returns in my sleep, I'm not going to the office.  Instead, I'm booking appointments for me and my co-workers for the Wash & Brush Up Co.



Speaking of coworkers, they are almost all female and they not only do a great job of making my job easy, they have crappier jobs than I do! The work they do allows me to work from remote locations most of the time and I really appreciate that. There are only a few aspects of my job that require I be in the office and they pick up that slack for me.

While tax season is over for me, it goes on for everyone else in the office, in a manner of speaking. Not only that, their tax season starts long before mine. They file Quarterlies in January (Quarterly Federal Tax Returns - can you imagine? Filing a tax return every quarter?). Then, they file corporate tax returns in March followed by individual tax returns in April.

Even though it's April16th, they are back in the office busily preparing Quarterlies again.  (Already, three months have passed.)

Yesterday, was my Friday (finally) but it was only Thursday for everyone else so no Snoopy Happy Dance just yet.

Hang in there, ladies. You're almost there.

I'll see you in six months and we can do it all again.

I've been saying this all along.

Would You Let the I.R.S. Prepare Your Taxes? - The New York Times

" Today, employers, banks, brokerage firms and pretty much every other financial organization in the country send the federal government detailed records about our economic activity every year. These organizations also send you, the taxpayer, a similar set of documents, which are forms with names like W2 and 1098. After you file your taxes, the government matches its two sets of documents to make sure you have filed correctly. 

To Mr. Bankman, this double documentation doesn’t make much sense. If the government is already collecting financial data from employers and banks, why can’t the I.R.S. use that information to precalculate our tax returns for us? At the very least, why can’t tax software just connect to the government’s database to download all the information that the government has collected, saving us all that record-keeping and data entry? "

I said it once, anyway.

0

I have three left - of the "ones I know about" variety. I have an untold number of extensions to file today. It's a long list - I didn't bother to count.

To help me through my day, someone advised me to try adding grass-fed butter and coconut oil to my coffee. (Look up Bulletproof Coffee.) An interesting idea, I think, since I like butter and I like coffee. I haven't yet tried the nutritionally fashionable coconut oil but I am very intrigued by the idea of it. It's on my list of things to try right after I finish my Costco-sized vat of previously fashionable extra virgin, cold pressed, imported olive oil.

Why not put these fine ingredients into a steaming cup of coffee? I'll tell you why: because that space is already occupied by coffee. I don't make my coffee "with room" (Starbuckspeak for don't fill the cup up all the way because I'm planning to pollute it with cream). If there's room in my cup, it means there isn't enough coffee in it.

There's no cream in my coffee, no mixers in my whiskey, and no flavoring of any kind manufactured into my potato chips. (That's my kind of paleo diet.) The only time there's something other than coffee in my coffee cup is when I'm drinking a latte made with soy milk (made fashionable in the 1990s).

Instead, I am starting April 15th with a nutritious meal of two scrambled egg whites and ham. (For flavor, I added fresh red pepper, an organic Yukon gold potato, substituted bacon for the ham, and aded in two egg yolks, all sautéed in well-intentioned butter.)

I appreciate your suggestion, Leslie, and your thoughtful comments, Beth and Laura. I'm looking forward to the day that Starbucks has this on its menu. Seriously, I would love to give this a try. But it probably won't be on April 15th. I have work to do.

1

Everybody's grumpy:We're grumpy, our families are grumpy, and the clients are grumpy.

2

Generally when I tell someone what I do for a living this time of year, they reply with "I already filed my taxes" - my friend, Steve, notwithstanding.

I think, graciously, to myself, And, what? You want me to give you a medal? Yeah, I 'd have mine done, too, but I'm busy doing these other 200 returns. And, so what? If you did your return yourself, you probably aren't much concerned with bond premium amortization, are you? Have many publicly trade partnerships? Nope, thought not. Well, at least you didn't have to convert currencies or anything like that. How's that social life of yours, by the way?

Equally graciously, I reply, "Good for you."

3

The score as of this morning, Steve, is 17. Most of them are in and just waiting for that one little thing from the client - a check made out to the IRS. Today, I hope to get through the rest of them - the  ones that have come in the last few days so that I can tell them what they owe and that they will be filing an extension. (In reality, someone else gets to deliver the bad news. So, you know, it could actually be worse.)

But these 17 are just the ones I know about. There is a team of women who will pour through the list, and the list of lists, to determine who's missing. Have we overlooked someone? Are there people we need to contact? Will we have everything done by April 15th? Do we have enough coffee and chocolate to get through it all?

I have no doubt the count will go up before it goes down. More than one will come through the doors or call before it's over saying, "It's not too late for you to do my tax return this year, is it?" Adding, "It shouldn't take long. My return is easy this year." (It takes every ounce of diplomatic strength for us not to ask why the hell they didn't just do it themselves if it was so damn easy.)

Last year, we had a client - a new one at that - who came in at 2pm on April 15th with such a request. Needless to say, he isn't my favorite client. (Although, come to think of it, there are several who fall within that category.) I haven't checked the list but I don't think he's been in yet this year. Tick tock, Mr. Client. Let's get it together. You're not a new client anymore so we know your return isn't easy. And let me add this: Don't come empty handed.

By the way, Steve. Congratulations to your wife on assuming the role of Commander of the Seattle Sail and Power Squadron. She'll do a great job and we were glad to have the opportunity to celebrate with her. But knowing that your tax return isn't done, please don't talk to me for the next three days.

4

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5

What else is there to say but MAKE IT STOP!?

6

Got five done yesterday but picked up three new ones so the score is now 31. Time to stop screwing around. It's time to pull out my super secret ninja accountant tax preparer shit.

It's about freaking time! says my boss.

I know, I get stuck in the details. It's hard to just let loose and let fly in this job. Just wing it, as they say. Look at the big picture, and move on (an oft used and very annoying saying. I'm just saying - if I could just move on don't you think I'd freaking do that already?).

Bullshit!
(h/t Kellie)

Now, for those of you, boys and girls, who are interested in becoming an accountant, we have a very simple interview process. While accounting can be a glamorous and exhilarating profession (this is a business where glamorous and exhilarating is bad news), it's also very face paced and technical, the nature of which changes with each Congressional session.

Here are three simple questions we use to determine who's right for the job and who can be easily eliminated:

• What are debits and credits?
• How do you balance a checkbook?
• Do you have high blood pressure?

Can we go home now?

7

. . . and 33 to go.

This morning, in an effort to look more pulled together than I really am, I fashioned my hair into a French Twist. As I own no styling products (I never figured out how to use them to any good effect), I secured my up-do with a million bobby pins. As well as a professional look, it provides the unexpected illusion that I've had a face lift and now I worry that I've wound my hair a little too tightly.

Sometimes these things work out as planned and sometimes they don't. From behind, my hair looks less like the rich swirl of a croissant and more like a plate of spaghetti. Without time to muck around with it, I adopted a "close enough" attitude.

It wasn't until I was ready to leave the house that I put on my glasses and saw the results of my efforts. My hair looked more like a furry hat than smooth sophistication. I made a mental note to invest in some hair spray.

By the time I got to work my hair was already falling in limp tendrils and by noon I expect the whole thing will be undone. My tresses will be kinked with more randomness than can be plausibly explained by, "I slept with it wet."

And even though this exercise was designed to streamline the process of getting ready for work, it still me took thirty minutes to figure out which shoes to wear.

Onward.

8

And 38 to go.

9

I'm confused about what day of the week it is. I know exactly how many days, hours, tax returns, until April 15th but no clue as to whether it's Monday or Tuesday. Not that it matters.

I can tell when it's Saturday or Sunday, though, when I get to the office and the only cars in the lot belong to accountants. I get there and usually park several spaces from a red pickup truck belonging to another accountant in a different office in our building. Long past being embarrassed about fast food diets, we get out of our cars balancing Starbucks coffees with sacks of McDonald's goodness and head to our respective doors while fishing key cards out of our pockets.

We give nods to each other that say, "Hang in there. It's almost over. We can make it - as long as we don't spend too much time thinking. Of family. Of outdoors. Of sleep. Of how much is left to do.  God speed, my friend. And, good luck."

We've never spoken to each other. I don't even know his name. But from his ball cap, the tired glaze in his eyes, the wrinkled clothes, and bedroom slippers, I know exactly his struggles. The need to push forward. Finish. Keep going.

I still have 43 tax returns to go. I shouldn't have looked. This is not a number I need to know. I just need to know that at 9 am I'll be doing one. And, then, I'll be doing another one. It's fatal to look at the big picture.

How could I still have 43?

I might need more coffee.

10

(O M freaking G!)

That's all I have to do?

IRS ignoring 60 percent of taxpayers’ calls as deadline looms - The Washington Times

Is It Friday Yet?

I had mixed emotions when someone asked me that upon arriving to work this morning. First of all, I don't get Fridays. My work week is non-stop so the idea that there's a day to look forward to - as in the last day of the work week - is now about two weeks away.

And, secondly, if it was Friday that would mean I have one less day to prepare this mountain of tax returns. What I need is a long string of Thursdays.

The next guy who asks me Is it Friday yet? I'm going to kick in the shins.

Only Two Weeks Left!

No joke.

Science is Fun!

Too many tax returns can make a person crazy.

I don’t know where my head is at but these two headlines juxtaposed near each other made me grin:

6 Ways to Find and Grow a Profitable Specialty Niche

Joint Tax Committee: Overview Of The Federal Tax System 

Brought to you by AccountantsWorld Daily News

Dear Congresscritter:

FORGET TAX SEASON, CPAS — CONGRESS NEEDS YOUR HELP - macpa.org

" “Submissions will be accepted through April 15, 2015, and made public at a later date.”

So be sure to draft those ideas and send them in, tax pros. Just use a bit of that ocean of free time you’ve got between now and April 15.

I’d laugh, but like most things that come out of Washington these days, it’s not funny. "

Do you really want my opinion?

No, I didn't think so.

Three weeks left in Tax Season

h/t Kellie

Rallied the Troops

I scored a case of Girl Scout cookies that will get donated to the Bellevue location of the Puget Sound Blood Bank (now called Bloodworks NW) next weekend. Make your appointment now to donate blood or platelets while supplies last! I got the good stuff, too, after a friend was lured to donate by the promise of a cookie reward and was disappointed by the blood bank's offering. I hope you'll go back, Laurie, because I got 10 boxes of Samoas just for you!

Thanks to Debbie who helped me find a Girl Scout Troop with an inventory problem!

I'm taking a rare day off from work today. Lord knows I can't afford to this time of year but I needed the break. Not to mention, a shower. And sleep sounded like a good idea too. Made some time to save a life while I was at it. 

Do you think the blood bank knows my blood is highly caffeinated? If Starbucks could just hook up the other arm, I'd be all set. 

Keeping it weird in Portland

PDX Carpet Has Last Hoorah As Starlight Parade Grand Marshal

"As part of what seems to be the longest goodbye to flooring ever, the Portland Rose Festival named the Portland International Airport carpet grand marshal of the 2015 Starlight Parade in late May.

"The rolled carpet was expressionless during the announcement, surrounded by its own security detail of TSA agents at the airport’s PDX Carpet Fair on Friday."

http://www.opb.org/news/blog/newsblog/pdx-carpet-has-last-hoorah-as-starlight-parade-grand-marshal/?google_editors_picks=true

So funny, I cried . . .

. . . because it is so horrifyingly true.

3.14.15

It's not just Pi Day. It's the ultimate Pi Day! The ultimate Pi Moment occurs at 9:26:53. It only happens once in a lifetime (usually) so don't miss it!

Let's only eat round things today!

Woo hoo! Oh, wait . . . .

It's Friday? I know because Hubby is wearing a red shirt and he always wears a red shirt on Fridays. And there's rumor of pizza and a movie later on. Other than that, today is pretty much like yesterday. Or tomorrow, for that matter. Or the day after that . . . .

You get the idea.

Condo Living: I Think I'm Getting the Hang of It

Got a new bed delivered to our newly acquired abode and it's, oh, so nice. It's the perfect combination of firm and fluffy and the new sheets are crisp but cozy. There's just one teeny weeny problem: It's just not teeny weeny.

This condo was not built with king-sized mattresses in mind. I wasn't sure it was going to make it to the second floor.

The eye of a needle?

Not to mention the third where the bedroom is.

When it was finally placed on it's final - ahem - resting place, we were faced with another itsy bitsy curiosity: We would need a ladder to climb up into it.

The mattress is 16 inches thick. The box springs are another five inches. The bed frame we ordered is additional 12. What's the math on that? Like, three feet?

The condo was mostly furnished when we moved in and now we know why. This bed will never leave this address.

The view of Mt. Hood from an eastern window inspires me: I'll just decorate around it.

Imagine: The trek begins at ground level. You make camp one the first floor to acclimate. You continue on with a hired Sherpa only to pass discarded oxygen tanks as you reach the third floor landing. From here, you can see the peak thrown into sharp relief beneath the ceiling fan.

All that's left is the final ascent. The Sherpa will go no farther until additional supplies are dropped by any number of planes flying out of PDX, the drone of which now a welcoming sound. Until, finally, you traverse an ice ladder to what awaits: slumber. Sweet, sweet slumber.

Next, I'm thinking about installing a slide so I can get out of the damn thing. And if I do it right, it'll deliver me directly to the coffee maker.

Just change the channel if you don't like it

Nun of Thee Above (Updated)

Came to me in a dream, she did.

Imagine that.

Actually, she did.

One of my college roommates aspired to become a nun. She was on the bottom bunk and I was on the top. . . .

And, she did. Become a nun, that is.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

Can't decide which is worse - being buried in tax returns or buried in snow. I know I'm not supposed to mention the daffodils or budding cherry trees - heard there was a new rule prohibiting that - so you didn't hear this from me: It's been nice enough to drive with the top down here. It might also be nice enough to take the boat out but for the avalanche of aforementioned tax returns.

Which is to say, you might not hear much from me over the next few weeks, flowers notwithstanding.

In the meantime, I also need to sell a 2008 BMW 535 xi with 110,000 miles on it. There's nothing wrong with it. In fact, it drives great (meticulously maintained, super solid) and has an outstanding stereo. I just have more cars than I need and it's time to do something about it.

So, if you know someone who might be interested, let me know.

It does great in the snow, too, btw.

Just saying.

Open and Shut

Remember those briefcases that had little combination locks on them? (Are those still around?) You would dial in your combination on a set of reels and then slide a mechanism that would spring a latch, opening the valise.

I need one to carry around all my electronic gadgets and their respective chargers. A combination might be useful but I already have more passwords and PINs than I can remember. I just need a button for Open and one for Shut.

I'll call it my Open and Shut Case and market it to lawyers.

Time to get bag of chips

Officials Declare ‘Eating Healthy’ a Mental Disorder

"In short, if you turn your back on low quality, corporate food containing known cancer causing toxic additives and a rich history of dishonesty rooted in a continuous “profits over people” modus operandi, then you may suffer from a mental illness. The cherry on top is that if you have the pseudo-science labeled disorder of orthorexia nervosa, you will be prescribed known toxic, pharmaceutical drugs from some of the same conglomerate corporations that you are trying to avoid by eating healthy in the first place."

http://www.globalresearch.ca/officials-declare-eating-healthy-a-mental-disorder/5431992

If you don't have anything else to do . . .

. . . keep your shirt on and keep the windows closed.

'Stop this nonsense': Boston mayor tells residents not to jump from windows into snow |The Guardian

"

“This isn’t Loon Mountain. This is the city of Boston.”

That was the message from Boston mayor Marty Walsh on Monday, at a press conference in which he warned residents against jumping out of windows to land in the snow.

"

Loon Mountain, indeed. (Videos at link.)

Definition?

What if I had a jackass that wandered off but then someone found it and returned it? Then I sold it after which the buyer returned it? And, then, I tried to give it away but the jackass found its way home?

Would that be redonkeyless?

These questions are submitted by my thinking buddy, Vicki. (Thank you for making my day.)

View Master Viewer

View-Master Gets An Update | Ron's Log

" There is probably very little truth to the rumor that Hasbro has teamed up with Apple to create a new fourth dimension which will be visible only by using their new viewer. The really novel thing about the Hasbro/Apple viewer is that by using the 4th dimension, they will actually be able to have Steve Jobs do the presentation when they release the viewer to the public. "

Happy Valentine's Day, Siri

Time to buy a bed

" Vancouver is once again putting the 'bedroom' in 'bedroom community.'

" Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Amazon.com ranked Vancouver as the fifth most romantic city in the United States and the most romantic city in Washington. . . . 

" Depending on how you look at that ranking, however, Vancouver may also be the fifth loneliest city in America. The cities that made the list have the highest rate of buyers per capita of romance novels, rom-coms, music by artists such as Barry White and Luther Vandross, and sexual wellness products. "

No, really. We need to buy a new bed. 

(Boom chicka wow wow)

http://www.columbian.com/news/2015/feb/05/vancouver-romantic-city-amazon/

Day One

It's not a particularly good picture (it's from the real estate listing) but this is the new joint. We spent our first night there last night. We still have a few things to get out of our old place but we should be able to finish up after work tonight. We're planning on spending the weekend getting organized and buying things to make it feel more like home.

Anyway, it's quieter than our old place by a long shot. Even while airplanes fly overhead. And it's nice to know we won't have to move again for quite a while.

Lots of good restaurants nearby so feel free to let us know if you're ever in the neighborhood. We'll show you around.

paraskevidekatriaphobia

Fear of Friday, the 13th.

Look it up.

Where in the world ...?

Blue

t

Pop quiz: Where am I?

Purrfect

Sandwich Monday: Meow Parlour | NPR the salt

"

Allie: We signed a waiver the length and complexity of a cable contract that forbids us to offer treats or escape plans to the animals. 

Eva: It also forbids us to make any more puns. 

" 

A combination of cats, coffee, and Taylor Swift. Wait, what?

Serenity

Stats

" Do you find yourself noticing the time of day, or the exit number on the highway, and thinking, “that’s a great Code section!” 

Is your sense of humor limited to giggling uncontrollably at tax-themed double entendres like “hot assets” and “dynamic scoring?" . . .  

Below, I’ve put together a handy chart that will give you the necessary mix of football facts and socially-acceptable tax talking points to make you the life of the party. Memorize it, stuff it in your sock, tattoo its contents on your hand…whatever it takes, but whip it out on gameday, and you’ll show your significant other’s friends that you’re not the one-dimensional stereotype they accuse you of being behind your back. " "  

Handy Chart

Patent Application #12647208

An alarm clock that smells like coffee. The snooze alarm smells like bacon.

(Future models will feature corresponding sound effects.)

I Take It All Back!

After the lease was signed and we had moved into our present apartment, our landlords advised us that things might be a little loud for a while. They had some water damage which necessitated removal of some the tile in their upstairs residence (by jackhammer, apparently).

The week after, they decided to refinish their hardwood floors and let us know there would be some additional noise while workers sanded.

What they didn't tell us was, basically, it would be noisy every day thereafter for one reason or another: Mr. Landlord would be making a wooden boat in the shop next door to our bedroom, they do laundry every morning at 5 a.m., they never sleep, and they travel at odd times. Oh, and there's no insulation between the floors.

We've not complained much. (I mean, to them.) We've made polite requests from time to time to keep things quiet and only once did Hubby find it necessary to march upstairs (at 2 a.m.) to ask them to keep it down. Most of the complaining, however, has occurred right here.

And now I wonder: Do our landlords read this? Because last night (after yesterday's post) they hosted a circus. Yep, kids, animals, the whole works.

At least, that's what it sounded like. There were kids, definitely, running around, screaming and dropping things. I could hear that quite clearly. I think there might have been a pony in the living room and, quite possibly, an elephant in the dining room.

The good news is we are moving. The bad news is we might not get much sleep if my landlord sees this.

Could You Keep It Down, Please?

Bumped into our landlord recently and we updated him on our upcoming move.

(For those of you who have just tuned in, we are in the process of buying a condo in the Portland area. We only live there Monday through Friday while Hubby has a long-term, temporary work assignment. We are home, in our regularly scheduled house, on weekends.)

He told us how much he has enjoyed having us as tenants. In fact, we've been the best tenants ever.

I gushed at how nice it was to be staying in their mother-in-law apartment and how much we enjoyed the beautiful deck during nice weather months. Because, that was easier than saying You were the loudest neighbors we've had in over 25 years and we're moving to a place next to the airport because we think it'll be quieter there!

We won't close for another couple of weeks. Until then, ear plugs.

Songs of Accounting

Talk About Recycling!

Oregon Water Treatment Company Wants To Turn Sewer Water Into Beer - OPB News

One To Go

I'm on my third cup of coffee already. For all I pine for it, I don't usually drink more than a cup or two a day. But every once in a while - usually during tax season - I can't get enough. But, good news! Just one more cup and I can reduce the odds of getting skin cancer!

You would think Seattle would have one of  the lowest rates of skin cancer in the country considering all the coffee we drink here and relative lack of sunshine. But, in fact, Washingtonians have a relatively high incidence of melanoma.

Here's another myth dispelled: The fact that Seattleites purchase more sunglasses per capita than any U.S. city has nothing to do with the brief but brilliant summers that we strive to keep from public knowledge. It turns out we're just cheap, forgetful, and clumsy.

Maybe we should think about buying wide-brimmed hats instead.

If you wake up a little early some morning, just go back to bed. Otherwise, you'll just be late for work. Because, you will have the delusion that you've gained more time by getting up early. Such thinking might cause you to have an extra cup of coffee or, worse, exercise. You might get the notion that you might get something done. Something extra.

But this idea is false. You will spend the rest of the morning just catching up from thinking about what extra things could be done, altering your usual routine, and then trying to figure out just where all that time went.

Extra cup of coffee? That might be worth getting out of bed early. Maybe. But you're still going to be late for work.

That's what the snooze button is for.

Makes Sense To Me

Portland Now Generating Hydropower In Its Water Pipes | OPB News

" The Lucid system taps the power of gravity in the city’s water system. Water flowing through the Portland Water Bureau pipe at 147th and Powell will now flow through four small turbines as well, generating enough electricity to power 150 homes along the way. "

Last night I dreamed we were all in Columbus and we were all sitting around the family room which was furnished only with sofas against two walls. The walls were light colored, nearly white, and were not adorned with art. There were no lamps and no coffee table. My point of view was from the hallway leading to the bathroom, looking across the family room towards the kitchen table which was not that table. This one was almost colorless. Not steel, not glass, but gray with straight lines like a pencil drawing. It was washed out by a strong light that poured out from the kitchen which was to the left, but out of view. You couldn't see it but you knew it was there. No one was sitting around the table.

Everyone was sitting around in those sofas against the walls, happy, together, visiting. I was standing in the hallway when Russ and Marge emerged from the kitchen. Russ walked across the room towards me and I wanted to jump into his arms like a little kid but then I remembered he was old and I was too big for that. I jumped onto a nearby armchair instead and, somehow, I was just tall enough to hug him. He wore a white dress shirt that had little grey or silver threads running through the thin fabric and his hair was white and slicked back. He was unshaven and I could feel his white bristles against my face as we held each other tightly. We both cried, we missed each other so much.

Marge stood nearby, looking on. Her hair was done and she looked content. She wore a dark red, long-sleeved, collarless silk top. The placket and neck were accented with a deep blue. She was the only color in the room.

Here's the pun, what's the setup?

Use this in a sentence: unconfectional love.

Okay, how about a definition?

      Unconfectional love = a plastic wedding cake

I dreamed I met John Lennon's father. His name was Bright Johnson.

Go figure.

Like an inside joke . . .

" Oh, the repair regs. Newly effective for 2014, these dramatic alterations to the way we evaluate repair costs will represent the single biggest pain in the ass of the entire 2015 tax season. And courtesy of the reporting requirements necessary to adopt the regulations, the remaining portion of the planet’s rainforest will soon be mowed down to accommodate all of the Forms 3115, Change in Accounting Method, that will need to be filed over the next few months. It is not overstating the situation to say that the average tax preparer will complete more Forms 3115 this year than in all of his or her previous years combined; if you believe some of the doomsayers, every taxpayer with a depreciation schedule will need at least five Forms 3115 attached to their return. "

Four Things Sure To Destroy Your Tax Season | Forbes

. . . it kind of makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time.

In Case The Heretics Are Wondering

Bandwagon fan? How to talk Seahawks when you don't actually know what you're talking about 

So what do you do if you have a passing interest or just started following the team in recent weeks and don't want to sound like a complete idiot? 

MyNorthwest.com

(or recent hours as the case may be)

Just don't wash your lucky jersey. Or socks. Or anything.

Not for two weeks.

(I don't care what you smell like.)

Controversy in Portland

At the Super Bowl of Linguistics, May the Best Word Win | The New York Times

“What happens after this?” I whispered to a man next to me. 

“After we choose the Word of the Year?” he asked. “Pillaging. I expect downtown Portland to be wrecked.” He paused. “That’s rekt,” a shorthand spelling of the word. “R-E-K-T.” 

It was a bit of linguistic humor for the start of what is perhaps the year’s most anticipated lexicological event: the annual selection of the Word of the Year (also known as WOTY) by the American Dialect Society. If wordsmiths had a Super Bowl, this would be it, a place where the nation’s most well-regarded grammarians, etymologists and language enthusiasts gather to talk shop.

It's not all about football, you know.

(Read the article, btw. It's worth the time.)

Something To Look Forward To

Nightmare 2015 tax filing season predicted

The 2015 tax filing season is gearing up to be a nightmare -- the worst in more than a decade -- thanks to fewer and more poorly trained Internal Revenue Service employees. 

CBS News

Can't wait.

Iconic Carpet?

Pop quiz: What's the carpet look like at the airport closest to you? Or, any airport for that matter.

Forget airports, can you think of any carpet pattern in any public space anywhere? I can visualize the carpet pattern on the bulkhead of an Alaska Airlines flight quite clearly because I've stared at it for countless hours over the years. But that's on a wall, not the floor.

If you ever saw it, you could never forget the circles that were spray-painted onto the carpet in my childhood home. Sure, it was the 60's but the pattern was really just an elaborate scheme to cover up a spot in the rug.

But I couldn't tell you the pattern in the rug at the library, for instance. Or the color of the linoleum tile at the grocery store. Could you?

Jasper Fforde likes taking pictures of carpets. (You can see his photos by following him on Instagram or Twitter.) He even took one of the carpet at Portland International Airport. According to Oregon Live, the nearly-30-year-old carpet is iconic.

Iconic. (Spray-painted circles is iconic. Any carpet in Las Vegas is iconic. Maybe they meant ironic.)

If I don't update the carpet in my house for another 20 years with that be iconic too? (I should let Zillow know that's an architectural feature.)

Portland's airport carpet has it's own social media accounts and now you can buy clothing that sport the carpet's pattern. (It's like Gone With The Wind only with carpet.)

PDX's most famous feature is being replaced but don't despair! As the airport spends the next year replacing the 13 acres of carpet, you have the opportunity to buy some of the old carpet. It's only slightly used - by some 300,000,000 people. (Should I let Jasper know?)

Hey, we just bought a new condo. Maybe I can put some of the PDX carpet in the living room. What do you think?

My Mac is in one city and the power cord is in another. Time to get another power cord. 

Go Nuts

Well, I knew who was going to win but I wasn't about to say so. Not here, in Duck Country. A number of workers called in sick yesterday with Duck Fever and wherever you went you could find cars lining the street outside houses hosting viewing parties, the volume of which spilled into the neighborhood.

 

Props to the guy who came to the party with his top down even though he had evidently been skiing. That's awesome, dude. 

In other news, we made an offer on a condo yesterday which was immediately accepted. For those of you with programs, it's not the one we originally made an offer on. The seller of that condo let the offer expire thinking they would get other offers over the weekend. They didn't but what did happen was another condo in the same complex came on the market. A better unit, in our opinion, at a lower price and we snatched it up.  Scheduled closing is Feb 10 but could be earlier if all goes well. 

This, btw, is in Duck Country. We are not selling our other home. 

So, go a little nuts. Everybody wins. 

I just bought a toothbrush that was so complicated that I had to read the manual to use it.

My teeth feel really clean, though.

Bowl Games

Oregon v. Florida State

Clearly, I was more interested in the uniforms than the game itself. That's generally how I bet, too - based on their colors. If I were to bet yesterday, I would have bet on red but that would have been problematic for the second game.

Speaking of which, after the Ohio State victory, I received this text: "Do Ducks eat nuts?"

The answer to which can only be: "Only if they're quacked."

HNY2015

Dave Barry's Year in Review 2014 | Miami Herald

' In Washington scandal news, the Internal Revenue Service, responding to a subpoena, tells congressional investigators that it cannot produce 28 months of Lois Lerner’s emails because the hard drive they were stored on failed, and the hard drive was thrown away, and the backup tapes were erased, and no printed copies were saved — contrary to the IRS’s own record-keeping policy, which was eaten by the IRS’s dog. “It was just one crazy thing after another,” states the IRS, “and it got us to thinking: All these years we’ve been subjecting taxpayers to everything short of rectal probes if they can’t produce EVERY SINGLE DOCUMENT WE WANT, and here we lose YEARS worth of official records! So from now on, if taxpayers tell us they lost something, or just plain forgot to make a tax payment, we’ll be like, ‘Hey, whatever! Stuff happens!’ Because who are we to judge?” 

But all kidding aside, you can bet that before this thing is over there will be a strongly worded report. '

That, and so much more.

Last-minute holiday shopping? You can buy Darryl Strawberry's Mets salary from the IRS | USA Today Sports

"Just imagine the joy in your loved one’s eyes when he or she tears the wrapping off the greatest holiday gift of all: The $1.28 million left on Darryl Strawberry’s contract with the Mets, to be paid out in 223 monthly installments of nearly six grand apiece over the next couple of decades (hint, hint)."

I once had my picture taken with this guy. I wonder if I could auction that off.

Something to Look Forward To

IRS officials warn: We're nearly crippled | The Hill

"After absorbing a $346 million budget cut, IRS officials are warning taxpayers not to expect their phone calls to get answered or their refunds to be delivered quickly. Employees shouldn’t count on overtime pay, or for empty staff slots to be filled. And lawmakers seeking to reduce the deficit should assume the agency will collect far less revenue than it could have."

Tax Season 2015 should be a barrel of monkeys. Oh, wait . . . .

Groan

Post by Car Talk.

H/T to Teja from FB

Holiday Cheers

It's still early but not as much as it was earlier.
-Starbucks barista 12/19/2014

As usual, the gifts tend to dwarf our Lite-Brite tree. But the more brown stuff that ends up there, the more into the spirit I get, so to speak. 

Darn

I was just getting ready to head out the door when I spotted a pair of socks trying to make their escape and it's not even laundry day! Seeing as I'm going to be gone for the entire weekend I would be worried except the Christmas socks aren't there so I'm pretty sure the party won't get too out of hand.

That, and there's no eggnog in the house.

Anything?

Happy National Chocolate Covered Anything Day!

Sorry, Marshawn

I was at Logan Airport one Sunday not too long ago. The Seahawks were playing that afternoon and even though I wouldn't be able to watch the game, I was wearing my Seahawks jersey. It had a 24 on the front and the name of Lynch on the back.

As I was walking down the corridor, an excited young woman approached me and asked if I was a fan of Marshawn. Without thinking, I replied, "Not really."

She went on to explain that she was Marshawn's cousin.

Oh.

"It's not that I'm not a fan," I hurried to explain. "It's just that they don't make jerseys for the Special Teams guys and this was the only jersey I could get my hands on," I said, making things worse. "I mean, who's ever heard of a jersey for the Long Snapper?"

I checked my watch and hoped the public address system would announce that I was urgently needed to board my flight. Even though she shook my hand as we wished each other a safe journey, I feel I owe her cousin an apology.

Sorry, Marshawn. I've just ordered a #49 jersey so that will never happen again.