Once Upon a Very Long Time Ago

We attended the wedding of my youngest niece over the weekend. She is twenty years old (I'm pretty sure). Just six months shy of her twenty-first birthday.

Exactly the same age I was when I got married.

The first time.

I'm no expert in marriage having been in only two so far, yet I want to tell her so much. Like, don't, for example. Not yet, anyway.

I don't actually know her very well and I admit I'm speaking from my own perspective but it's rare to find a twenty-year-old woman who even knows who she is yet. My future mother-in-law said the very same thing before I was married to my future ex-husband.

She was right. Not only did I not know who I was, I didn't know who I was marrying. It was all just so romantic and nothing else mattered. If I had been older, I might have made different choices. I definitely would have made better ones.

I wasn't much older when I got married for a second time, just five years later, having been divorced for about a year. I was still making bad choices but this time it worked out. But not because I was any smarter. I just got lucky.

This time it's lasted twenty-five years. So far. And, you know? It hasn't all been magic. It's been hard. Pretty rough in places, in fact. Scary at times, too. Really scary. But you don't make it to twenty-five years without some pretty good things going on, too. It's the good stuff that'll get you through the bad stuff, if you're lucky.

Remember, dear niece, that changing your name, as magical as it seems, is not magic. Nothing happens after your wedding day that's any different from whatever happened before. Remember that he loves you for who you are so figure out who that is real soon. Remember that he just wants to be your hero. I know you can do it yourself but he likes to be asked. Don't nag. He'll do anything for you if he thinks he's your knight in shining armor. When he does what you bid him to do, praise him, scratch him behind the ear, and give him a treat.

They're pretty simple, really, men.

Remember to keep your side of the street clean. It takes two to argue so be quick to apologize for your part in it. And when you do, don't use the word "but" because any apology that includes "but" negates the apology.

You will grow and change. He will, too. Biology alone will take care of that. How you handle that, my dear, will be the telling of the tale.

Finally, don't try to change him. If he wasn't what you wanted when you married him, just give up now.

Best of luck, my dear. Along the way, you'll need some of that as well.

10 famous fictional companies - MSN

"Other things make the world go round as well -- love, principally, and coffee. . . ."

Amen, brother.

Large-scale tests with self-driving cars to hit Dutch roads

The consortium wants to develop a driving system for autonomous trucks within the next five years and plans to sell it to logistics companies for use on public roads.

That would sure make my commute a lot easier. Not to mention No One Wants To Drive A Truck Anymore.

Looking for Nothing

We haven’t had a weekend off since March 22:

Mar 22 - Vintage Hotel Portland

Mar 29-30 - grandkids

Apr 5-6 - Tax season

April 12-13 - Tax season

Apr 19 -grandkids

Apr 26 - doctor's appointment and family dinner

May 3 - Opening Day

May 10 - personal services

May 11 - Mother’s Day

May 17 - bridal shower and opera

May 24-26 - Memorial Day

May 30 - Happy Hour

May 31 - Thank You Party

Jun 7 - Change of Watch

Jun 8 - Family breakfast

Jun 14 - Porgy & Bess

Jun 15 - Father's Day

Jun 21 - Wedding

Jun 28 - NOTHING

I’m suggesting we don’t plan anything for June 28 and keeping my fingers crossed for good weather!

Pop Quiz

Could you be taxed on compensation that you'll never receive?

a) Yep.
b) Nope.
c) It depends.

Let's say you have a 401(k) plan. When you retire, you would pay FICA tax on the present value calculation of your retirement benefits. But, then you get the money, right? Not if your employer goes bankrupt before you get it.

That happened to this guy, a retired pilot for United. He retired in 2004, two years after United entered bankruptcy proceedings. In 2010, United made final payments required under its reorganization plan. In all, the pilot collected about 22% of the benefits due him before United stopped paying. But he paid 100% of the FICA tax when he retired in 2004.

He sued for a refund of the taxes on that portion of the benefits he would not be receiving.

He lost.

Class dismissed.

Old School

A Learning Secret: Don’t Take Notes with a Laptop

. . . [T]hose who wrote out their notes by hand had a stronger conceptual understanding and were more successful in applying and integrating the material than those who used took notes with their laptops.

Another case for paper.

Pop Quiz

What happens when a cemetery becomes full?

a) The owners go bankrupt and your soul becomes the possession of the mortgagee.
b) The oldest graves get reused.
c) Grave prices become astronomical.
d) The owner sells the cemetery which becomes a parking lot and the property gets paved over.

I can't tell you what happens in all instances, but this was a question that popped into my little head and I was curious. From my brief research I learned there are (at least) two types of cemeteries: endowed and non-endowed. Endowed cemeteries are regulated by state law, as far as I can surmise (actually, I could surmise more but I didn't spend that much time on it) which means the regulation varies from state to state.

In Ohio, a new cemetery must deposit $50,000 into an endowment care fund. Thereafter, 10% of all sales are also deposited to the fund. The interest generated by the fund is used to pay for operating and maintenance expenses in perpetuity.

The owner could still go out of business, or sell. In the case of the former, Ohio would pick up the tab for continued maintenance. In the latter case, the owner would be responsible to relocate all inhabitants and grave markers. There are various contingencies on the theme but the link previously referenced gives a pretty good summary of what could happen.

Nevada does it a little differently but the basic idea is the same. Payments into the endowment care fund are based on a dollar amount per square foot of the space used, in addition to an initial deposit. Cemeteries that are not subject to the state law (for whatever reason) may set up a voluntary endowment care fund. I don't know what happens if they don't. I imagine there are laws about dis-interring and moving bodies because someone wants to build a shopping mall but that topic will have to appear in a different Pop Quiz.

What happens when a quarry runs out of rock?

a) Quarries never run out of rock.
b) All that's left is a big hole in the ground.
c) All that's left if a big hole in the ground that fills up with water.
d) The exposed earth erodes and the people who built their houses around the quarry for the exceptionally good view watch their homes tumble into the hole during an incredible thunderstorm.

I guess any of these things could be true but this question popped into my little head on the way home from the grocery store today. This errand takes me right through a quarry in Camas, Washington, and I noticed that there are habitat reclamation areas set aside between the quarry and the grocery store. Then I noticed there were areas of the quarry that had grasses, trees, and bushes. I wondered if these two things were related. Was the quarry actively pursuing some sort of restoration of the ecosystem?

I don't know about the Camas quarry but I learned that such a thing is possible. According to Wikipedia, in fact, "One of the more effective and famous examples of successful quarry restoration is Butchart Gardens in Victoria, BC, Canada." If you've ever been there, you will agree as to the success of the restoration.

In 1904, [the Butcharts] established their home near his quarry on Tod Inlet at the base of the Saanich Peninsula on Vancouver Island. . . .

In 1909, when the limestone quarry was exhausted, Jennie [Butchart] set about turning it into the Sunken Garden, which was completed in 1921.

"Butchart gardens" by Marcus - user:NorwegianMarcus. Licensed under CC BY-SA 1.0 via Wikimedia Commons.

A+ for everyone. Class dismissed.

That's Not What They Meant by Freedom of Religion

Busted: Utah man sets up church where everyone is a minister, no one pays income tax 

At the time of the proceedings below, the church had approximately fifty active ministers¹. To become a minister, an individual is required to take a vow of obedience and a vow of poverty. Upon taking the vow of poverty, ministers transfer title to all of their property to the church. They also assign to the church all income that is earned as part of their normal employment, either endorsing their employment checks in favor of the church or directing their employers to deposit their earnings directly into various church accounts. The ministers’ homes, now owned by the church, are designated as parsonages, and their mortgages and other expenses are paid for with church funds.

¹It is not clear from the record whether the church has any lay members.

APPEAL FROM THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT FOR THE DISTRICT OF UTAH

Events

Oregon School Shooting: 14-Year-Old Student Killed; Suspect Dead

This, just across the river from us. We were on the way to work this morning and there were emergency vehicles coming from every direction, all heading south. Some had Washington plates but we noticed a lot with Oregon plates on the Washington side of the river and we wondered what was going on. It wasn't until we got to work before we found out.

The day before, this happened. The people involved in this shooting are related to someone Hubby works with. Tragic.

Both are tragic. 

I just hope tomorrow is blissfully uneventful.

No Title

No, really. I don't think he had title . . .

Million Dollar Jeans

I'm finally getting to wear my "new" jean skirt which fits me, well, like a pair of well worn jeans.

Price tag:

Original pair of jeans, purchased circa 2004 (just guessing) - $74
Professional ass-patching when said ass of jeans wore out, circa 2009 - $50
More ass patching, and conversion to skirt, 2013 - $80 (I made all these prices up.)

Comfy skirt made of the softest denim ever - priceless.

Okay, so it's not a million bucks but it's definitely folly. These were my first pair of jeans that cost more than $25. They were Sevens but Costco was selling them at the time. (I don't really know how much I paid for them. (I don't know how much milk costs either.))

Some time later, I wore through the bottom so I sent them to get patched. To New York. To a place called Denim Therapy. (They're still in business, btw, so if you have a favorite pair of jeans that you can't live without - wait, who says that? - I highly recommend this outfit - wait, was that a pun?) Even though the bottom was patched, the hems and waistband were frayed.

A few years later, my derrière busted through again in another spot and I thought that was the end of the line. I didn't think it was worth sending them to New York again not to mention the inquiries from the postal service as to why my pants would need psychiatric help. So I patched them myself with an iron-on patch.

It wasn't long, however, before I busted out the knees. At this point the front pockets were frayed and the back pockets were nearly dissolving. What prompted me to save the pants from certain death can only be described as love.

(Okay, maybe 'tis I who need therapy, not my jeans.)

But save them I did by reincarnating them into a skirt. (Rather, by paying someone else to do it.) By the time the job was completed it was too cold to wear the skirt (seeing as I don't live below the 40th parallel). But now, it's warm enough (finally!) and I get to wear my soft-as-worn-denim-"new"-skirt. (With red shoes, if anyone is asking.)

If I bust through the ass again, I'm going to have to

a) reduce the size of my ass, or
b) reinforce the skirt with kevlar.

Oooh, yes.

(I got a good deal on parentheses on Ebay.)

Two, Four, Six, Eight, Who Do You Depreciate?

I'm going to let Hubby answer that question.

(This is what you call a tease.)

Back to you, Jim.

Here's Some History For You

John Wayne's Lasting Legacy in Washington State

The Wayne family still owns 150 acres in Sequim, where “John Wayne’s Waterfront Resort,” located steps from the Marina, invites visitors to enjoy getaways or extended stays in cabins or the RV Park.

If you want to come by RV, we'll come by boat and meet you there.

Watching

If you need something to watch on TV, try The Newsroom. I'm not sure that you can watch it online but I got season one from the library which is working out fine. If you liked West Wing, you might like this. Anyway, we do, so what else do you need to know?

Clouds In My Coffee

Although the official opening day of boating season in Seattle was May 3rd, it wasn't until May 31st before we:

a) were in town
b) on a weekend when
c) the weather was good, and
d) we didn't have something planned.

The boating gods were clearly with us.

The last time we were on the boat was September. I wouldn’t have imagined it had been over eight months since we’d been on the water but I checked our log and it’s true. The Captain’s log also reports that it was 93 degrees that day. I thought there must be some mistake but I checked historical records and it really was that hot.

We had a lot of work done on the boat over the winter so we were anxious to get the boat out and see how everything worked. We had a canvas repair, a new VHF antennae installed, new outdoor carpets made, new clutches, engines were serviced, and the zincs were replaced.

Everything seemed to work okay, even if we felt a little out of practice. We rounded the north side of Mercer Island and cut the engines just south of I-90 and got to work cleaning the boat while we floated on the lake. There were spiders and dusty cobwebs everywhere - and the boat had just been cleaned! (At least, that’s what our credit cards statement reported.) Still, moorage under cover can produce spiders at an alarming rate. You can brush them all away one night and find the boat covered again the next morning. I’m told this may be seasonal and the spider problem is worse now because they’re reproducing - or hatching, or whatever.

At some point over the winter the boat was without power and something went bad in the galley refrigerator. It reeked and was coated with mold. So while Hubby dealt with the spiders up above, I dealt with the mold down below, throwing away everything that was in there.

This was about the time I realized that I forgot to pack coffee for the weekend. Imagine! I ground fresh coffee at home but never transferred it from the grinder to the boat bag. Talk about out of practice! The only coffee we had was the leftover package I just threw away from our moldy refrigerator. It was that or nothing.

So it was that.

The coffee was stored in it’s original container which was inside a large Ziploc bag. How bad could it be? I opened it and took a sniff.

It was going to be bad.

We should have motored back. There’s a Starbucks within walking distance from the dock. (Of course.) But, we didn’t.

The first cup tasted surprisingly like coffee. I was was either desperate or hung over - or both - but I couldn’t get a second cup past my lips. I dumped it out.

Okay, that might have seemed like a logical decision, given the circumstances, but have you met me?

Everything else went okay, for the most part. We had an overhead speaker fall out of the radar arch, the screws having come loose. That was easy enough to fix but the bigger problem was the stereo didn't work. It went on the fritz during our last cruise and we forgot about it over the winter so we'll have to add that to the list. Along with:

• Apply decals:
• Coast Guard Inspection
• Parks Department Pass
• Registration
• and, BUY FRESH COFFEE!

Here's the Only Weather Almanac You'll Need This Year

What are the odds it'll rain on any given day (in Seattle)?

This chart will show how many times it has rained on any given day over the past 120 years (Jan. 1, 1893 - Dec. 31, 2012)

Good information if you're planning a wedding. Or a cruise.

IRS Eyes New Ways To Tax Miles of Frequent Fliers

Americans who keep large balances of unused American Express Membership Rewards points, or airline or hotel points, are not all that different from those who choose to buy gold or Bitcoins. They are choosing to store value in something other than U.S. dollars.

And while you're considering whether your  frequent flier miles or hotel loyalty points are income, consider this list of items considered income according to IRS Publication 525:

• Bribes.   If you receive a bribe, include it in your income.

• Found property.   If you find and keep property that does not belong to you that has been lost or abandoned (treasure-trove), it is taxable to you at its fair market value in the first year it is your undisputed possession.

• Free tour.   If you received a free tour from a travel agency for organizing a group of tourists, you must include its value in your income. . . . You cannot deduct your expenses in serving as the voluntary leader of the group at the group's request.

• Illegal activities.   Income from illegal activities, such as money from dealing illegal drugs, must be included in your income on Form 1040, line 21, or on Schedule C or Schedule C-EZ (Form 1040) if from your self-employment activity.

• Stolen property.   If you steal property, you must report its fair market value in your income in the year you steal it unless in the same year, you return it to its rightful owner.

• Whistleblower's award.   If you receive a whistleblower's award from the Internal Revenue Service, you must include it in your income.

Just so you know.

Raining Red

Yesterday, it was raining after work so after going home and changing into workout gear we drove to the mall to do our walking. (See definition of senior citizen.) After twenty minutes, I was $200 poorer and three pairs of red shoes richer.

Hubby is hoping for better weather today.

Now You See It

Of Course He Is

KPMG Inside Trader to Give CPE Webcast on Ethics Before Going to Prison

To register for the webcast, which is eligible for 4 hours of CPE credit, visit http://cpe.cpacrossings.com/GZSLLI1?leadsource=GaryZeune.

Nearly Here

I've not been as far away as it may seem. I've been updating Three Sheets with the yacht club doings over the weekend. It was a fun, albeit damp, weekend - as usual. The food was delicious and the activities were plentiful. I took lots of photos which I should probably put up on Flickr so the gang can see them all (far more than I could post) but I'm plum tuckered out so I'm just going to think about that for a while.

I just finished reading Bad Monkey by Carl Hiaassen which was a fun read. Good motivation, too, since the deal I made with myself was that I would get back to work on Now & Then when I was done with Monkey. I like Hiaasen's style; he has a voice I would like to emulate. I always thought my writing would take on some flavors from Janet Evanovich and Jasper Fforde but I need to have some Hiaasen in the mix. Definitely.

My first task is to read what I have so far. I sent the current manuscript to my Kindle but I haven't checked to see whether it worked or not. (I'll do that tomorrow.) I think I'd rather read it on my Kindle than on my computer. But no more books from the library until I get this done. Whatever it is.

I've also been asked by an organization to be their Historian. So I'll be spending some time figuring out what that is. I have some thoughts about what I'd like to do with it but I want to spend some time reading what previous Historians have done first. Perfect time waster, right? If I do it right, I'll never write a single word.

I'd like to see this organization utilize social networking a little more so I intend to play around with that some and see what comes up.

But now, it's time to get dinner on the table. Tonight's recipe is: Rape Asado con Tapenada Negra Y Pimientos Morrones. (Look it up. Or, you could just click the link.)

If it turns out reasonably well, I'll put it up on Eat Me.

Going Pro

Hubby has a game on his iPad that keeps track of how much time he spends goofing off. Available stats include time spent on the the current game, time spent goofing off today, or a cumulative sum of wasted time since the game was installed. He points to the game as documented proof of the time committed to goofing off and now claims to be a professional.

While being a professional avoider of work may seem oxymoronic, the professional in me suggests that as a pro he is now eligible to deduct the expenses associated with goofing off. As with professional poker players, the ability to deduct expenses rests solely on the ability to prove one plays poker for a living and not for recreation.

It would seem that the expenses associated with goofing off would be minimal but just imagine the possibilities for a moment. A book from the library wouldn't cost a dime but that is for amateur avoiders. A professional might spend hours on the internet (which even at a coffee house would incur the cost of several cups of coffee) searching to purchase the proper electronic reading device, followed by subscriptions to expensive publications, downloads of the most recent best sellers, and a trip to the nearest tropical beach to soak it all in.

The downfall here, as you might suspect, is there is generally no income involved in goofing off. Even if deducting goofing off expenses would serve to reduce one's taxes, the IRS might become suspicious of the "business nature" of the enterprise. Truly a dilemma for one seeking professional status in the arena of work avoidance.

Play on, my dearest. Your efforts at avoiding work are duly noted. It's quite possible that there's no such thing as a professional avoider of work but I welcome you to a small group of pioneers who are blazing the trail.

"Blazing" might not be the right word. "Waiting for it to happen" is more like it. Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it.

In My World

On Monday, we spotted the first lemonade stand of the season. Could be a good summer, if that's any indication.

Yesterday, we spotted a parroted pirate parading on the Padden Parkway path. No joke!

Which got me to thinking . . . 

I'm considering Camas as the location for the Condiment Conglomerate Conspiracy and including a Colonel (ret.) who gets concussed by candelabra in a conservatory. Maybe by Manuel, a middle manager of a mustard manufacturer who is maniacally miffed about misappropriation of materials.

Now and Then will have their work cut out for them this time!

Catching up on my reading

And now you are too.

IRS awards bonuses to 1,100 who owe back taxes

The IRS said it has developed a new policy linking conduct and performance bonuses for executives and senior level employees.

"Even without a formal policy in place over the past four years, the IRS has not issued awards to any executives that were subject to a disciplinary action," the IRS said in a statement. "We are also considering a similar policy for the entire IRS workforce, which would be subject to negotiations with the National Treasury Employees Union."

Today's Tax News

TIGTA Alimony Report May Cause Crisis Of Conscience Among Tax Professionals

I don't know about "crisis of conscience" but it's an interesting article if you're interested in things of this nature. In theory, if one guy deducts alimony payments on a tax return, the other guy should be picking up the same amount as income on another tax return. It turns out, it's not that simple. Not only that, the IRS isn't doing anything about it. As a result, there is a discrepancy of more than $2.3 billion in deductions claimed without corresponding income reported.

Yesterday's Tax News

I don't know how I missed this one:

Update: IRS misses XP deadline, will spend $30M to upgrade remaining PCs

An oldie but a goodie.

KenKen

It's a gateway game.

No, scratch that. It's the game that will ruin your life.

I played it all day yesterday.

All.

Day.

I phoned in sick, stayed in bed, and didn't blink my eyelids once as I played game after game after game. I feel rather righteous that I haven't succumbed to Candy Crush Saga much in the same way as other people say I refuse to Facebook, as if Facebook was a verb.

No, KenKen is for smart people. Like me. (I did say righteous.)

But how smart is this? I can't stop and it's ruining my life!

I used to have an app on my last phone and I would kill the battery by playing this game - which might say as much about my phone battery as my playing habits. I vowed I wouldn't get the app on my new phone and I kept that promise.

For a few months.

I downloaded the app on the new phone and played it from time to time. I found I could use it recreationally. I could play for a while and then set it aside. But, then, I don't know what got into me. I got stumped by one and down the rabbit hole I went. I had to have more. I was insatiable.

Next, I found myself making up rules. I'll only play one per day. I'll only play for one hour. I'll only play when I'm on an airplane for more than thirty minutes. But that quickly devolved into I have some free time - how about another game?

Ah, but it doesn't work like that. So I came here, to the church of Please Help Me Stop! Better to write about KenKen than play it or I might not surface for days.

Psst. It's free online. Free download, too, but then you're REALLY asking for trouble.

P.S. I was really sick yesterday.

No, really. . . .

De-Regulation

AccountingWeb | IRS Not Continuing Legal Fight Over Regulating Preparers

The IRS argued that the “Horse Act” of 1884 – a statute passed to govern compensation claims for dead horses brought on behalf of Civil War veterans, which is now codified under Section 330 of Title 31 of the US Code – authorized the agency to “regulate the practice of representatives of persons before the Department of the Treasury.”

. . . “By not filing a petition for certiorari, the IRS has wisely chosen not to ride this horse law any further.” 

Who Knew?

In the past three decades, research has indicated that the building of assets can have a sustainable impact on well-being. 

Addressing Wealth Disparities: Reimagining Wealth Taxation as a Tool for Building Wealth

When I first saw this title, I thought it said "Reimaging" - as in, wealth taxation needs a new image. Shoot, all you have to do is tell them that you'll feel better if you have more stuff.

Acer Up The Sleeve

Booted up my Acer today - that little blue netbook I toted around before I got the Mac. (On it now, in fact.) I wanted to see if it still worked and figured it probably needed an update or two.

Booted right up but was pretty sluggish after that as it went to the internet in search of updates.

I'll run the updates. Because, you know, it's nice to have an Acer up the sleeve . . .

New and Interesting, Indeed

On May 1, 

. . . the Treasury Department published the names of individuals who renounced their U.S. citizenship or terminated their long-term U.S. residency (“expatriated”) during the first quarter of 2014.

The number of published expatriates for the quarter was 1,001. This is the second highest quarterly number of published expatriates ever and is only surpassed by the second quarter of 2013.

International Tax Blog

Food For Thought

I heard about this on a podcast of Freakonomics. The topic was "selective outrage — why we get so upset over some things, and then not over others." It's a good episode and food for thought, as it were.

Among the stories discussed was the nefarious side to a particularly common snack dip. Should we be upset? Should we do something about it? Can we?

In the latter half of 2012 and the early part of 2013, the U.S. imported nearly $1 billion worth of avocados from this state [Michoacán]. Not surprisingly, a common nickname for the fruit is oro verde, green gold, because it yields more cash than any other crop—including marijuana. 

“Blood Avocados”: The Dark Side of Your Guacamole

That would attract the attention of a drug cartel, don't you think? What is our complicity as individuals? As a country?

It’s estimated that more than 4 out of 5 avocados sold in the U.S. are grown in the Mexican state of Michoacán, which is the only Mexican state certified by the U.S. Department of Agriculture to export the “green gold.” 

The Mexican Avocado Wars – It’s all about the Guac | Economics 411: Monetary and Financial Theory

Why?

Mexico produces most of the world's avocado, and avocado is one of the primary cultivars for export, the eighth cultivar by production volume. In 2013 the total area dedicated to avocado production was 168,155 hectares (415,520 acres), and the harvest was of 1,109,814 tonnes.The states that produce the most are México, Morelos, Nayarit, Puebla, and Michoacan which accounts for 86% of the total. In Michoacan the cultivation is complicated by the existence of drug cartels that extort protection fees from cultivators. They are reported to exact 2000 Mexican pesos per hectar from avocado farmers and an additional 1 to 3 pesos per kilo of harvested fruit.

Avocado | Wikipedia 

Why has the US certified only one state in Mexico to export avocados? Which came first: US certification or extortion by drug cartels?

Will that change your snack food?

I Know It's Hard But Try To Get A Grip

Went to Starbucks today - not so much to get coffee as to avoid work. And, I was tempted to go back to work! There was only one person in front of me but, still, I waited in line for 15 minutes. I'm not that patient, usually. And, I recognized that I didn't even really want a cup of coffee all that much. (Is there a 12-step program for this? As in, Al-Have-Another-Cuppa-Joe-anon?) I almost gave up but I'm no quitter! (I'll let you figure out what I'm talking about here.)

She had four kids running about the place: two girls, who were older, and two boys. She was careful to order drinks without sugar but didn't seem to mind the amount of caffeine her kids were getting. (I was once in a Subway restaurant when a boy asked his daddy if he could have a Coke. Daddy said, no - have a Mountain Dew. . .)

I'm sitting in the sun and getting drowsy so stick with me. . . .

What I noticed while I was waiting is how these people interacted with each other - this woman and her children. (Daddy was in the truck in which these poeple had spent considerably more time than is generally recommended for a family of six, the woman informed me. Good for Daddy, I thought.) They were rude to each other.

I found several instances of this type of behavior when we were in Disneyland, recently. Parents behaved badly with their badly behaving children. (It's a small world after all . . .)

Mother to son: You will eat this peanut butter sandwich or you will not go on any more rides!

Sure. You're going to bring your entire family to Disneyland, pay a thousand bucks to get in the joint (at which entrance is a sign posting the dangers that the building materials used to construct said happy place could kill you at the eye level of a ten-year-old, not to mention the rides) and hinge the whole deal on a peanut butter sandwich.

Be nice to your kids!

Listen, I get it. I wasn't always nice to my kids. I can still hear all the terrible things I ever said to them and I will regret every word. I am a much better grandparent than I ever was as a parent. That probably has to do with the fact that grandparenting isn't a full time job (generally speaking).

But if it's terrible to listen to what you're saying when I'm standing in line at Starbucks just think about how horrible it is to listen to if you're your kid.

Shouldn't Be News But Probably Is

Talking Points Memo - Princeton Study: U.S. No Longer An Actual Democracy

Using data drawn from over 1,800 different policy initiatives from 1981 to 2002, the two conclude that rich, well-connected individuals on the political scene now steer the direction of the country, regardless of or even against the will of the majority of voters. 

Surprised? Jimmy Carter has some thoughts on the subject, too.

Stats

According to Blogger, I have readers in Russia.

A) Who are you?

B) Why?

C) Is that you, Edward?

D) None of the above.

The Ants Go Marching

Or someone does.

I've been married close to 25 years now. Our first apartment was on the bottom floor of a three-story building. We would occasionally hear little footsteps running above us. And, sometimes, we would poke the ceiling with a broom handle to let them know it was time to settle the kids. But I don't remember it being all that loud, on the whole.

Then we bought a house so noise wasn't really an issue.

More recently, we rented an apartment in Vancouver. (The U.S. one. Oh? You didn't know the U.S. had a Vancouver? Well, look it up.) The building was built in 1945 and features squeaky hardwood floors throughout. Again, we were on the bottom floor and we could hear the guy upstairs when he got home. We just turned up the volume on the TV - not a big deal.

Our next apartment was next to the Columbia River. Unfortunately, it was also next to two airports, the railroad tracks, a freeway, and major trucking operations. That apartment was loud but, I have to say, we didn't hear the neighbors much (unless it was warm enough to open the windows and someone's cat got loose).

Our current location is a mother-in-law apartment in a nice home in a swanky neighborhood. In 25 years, this is the loudest place I've ever lived - neighbor-wise. I'd like to mention here that we just got back from vacationing in a place where the houses are packed so tight you could literally (and I mean that in the literal sense of the word) borrow a cup of sugar by reaching through the window. No room for grass here - just house, pathway, house. Okay, it might have been low season but the only time we heard the neighbors is when one of them decided it was time to pressure wash his deck. (On average, the birds were considerably louder than the neighbors.)

Our current upstairs neighbor-slash-landlord is freakishly loud. The first week we moved in, they refinished their hardwood floors. Okay, we thought, that's not likely to reoccur. But the following week they discovered there had been some sort of plumbing leak that required them to jackhammer the tile flooring out as well. Okay, we thought, what's one more week?

Now that the floors are done, it seems their obsession is rearranging furniture and/or Morris dancing. (Note to self: maybe we should quit renting on the bottom floor.) Seriously, I don't know what they're doing up there. There's just two of them but it sounds like a herd of elephants up there. (That would be figuratively, not literally, as I've never heard a herd before. Overhead or otherwise.) Last night, it sounded like they were building furniture or something.

But just to make things fun, we also have ants - as of yesterday. Actually, I don't know how long we've had them; we've been out of town a while. We just got done (hopefully) battling ants at our "real" house and we had them on this latest vacation too (which was made considerably worse when one of the kiddies spilled juice in his backpack which wasn't discovered until the following morning). What's going on here?

Yesterday, we got to our "other place" and found more freaking ants.

It could be worse. These are the teeny tiny ones - I'll smush them with my finger. I don't think I would even touch another bug (unless my grandson asked me to. . . okay, maybe not even then). In fact, I couldn't handle the freaking butterfly room at the museum. I just thought they were all hairy moths with wings. No, thank you.

Do you think I could just take a nap and it will all go away? Probably not. There's too much marching: Marching upstairs. Marching downstairs.

(TV series?)

I Wasn't Stalking, Really

Well, sorta I was. I was looking for gallery opening press. Instead, I found this:

Cincinnat!.com - Mann: Why I challenged the bike-lane plans

Click on the photo; read the caption.

Go ahead.

There are probably narrow limits for the utility of being grumpy . . .

Says who?

The approximate moment when grumpiness kicks in for men, according to a recently released report, is around age 70. 

NPR - The Grumpy Point: When A Man Turns 70

 That explains some things, doesn't it?

Getting Ready

For what? Can't you email me or text or something if you're going to be late for work? Cuz if I knew you were going to take the day off, I would have brought my Apple. 

Delicious

Is it not ironic that people who buy organic fruits and vegetables put them in those little plastic bags at the grocery store?

And not just one, either.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Photograph by: Ward Perrin , Vancouver Sun

It's an illegal knob, that's what.

They've been outlawed in Vancouver. (The other one, in Canada.) That story was featured here earlier, But there was an unintended consequence.

Goldilocks may need a new golden lock if she wants to avoid her three unlikely friends. Door levers make it easier for the elderly and disabled to open doors, true. But it also makes it easier for bears.

"Told you so," say some.

"One newspaper columnist in the pro-knob camp has noted that the velociraptors in “Jurassic Park” were able to open doors by their handles." (Economist : Knobless oblige )

First bears. Then, velociraptors.

Talk about a slippery slope. 

Does a Post-Satire World Indicate the Death of Fantasy?

Article in Huffington Post by Jasper Fforde:

So am I worried? Not really. In a landscape of extremes, the story of an accountant living in Sidcup and not doing very much may very well become fantasy, and when it does: Tremble ye mortals, for the unbridled drama of double-entry bookkeeping will be unleashed upon the world.

Goofing Off is Work

I've been so busy doing absolutely nothing that I haven't had time to goof off. I had intentions of working on the latest installment of Now & Then: Carried Away (the one about water) this week but instead I chased grandkids for four days, visited with in-laws the next, and a high school chum the day after that.

Yesterday, I did pretty much nothing. Walked on the beach and rode bikes. Read. Didn't write one single word. Today will be more of the same. (Although, I'm waiting for the arrival of a Vespa from Cincinnati. At this pace, I think I'll be late for the gallery gala. Save some champaign for me, will you?)

I'm telling you, goofing off takes a certain devotion akin to work. Don't worry, I'm sure I'll get the hang of it - probably after vacation and I'm sitting in my office which is where I do some of my best goofing off. (Give me a task, and I'll do my best to avoid it, I assure you.)

Meanwhile, this is what I've been reading:

Visitation Street by Ivy Pachoda - This book takes place in Brooklyn and is a story of young people (mostly) and their struggles in finding their place in the world. What I loved best about this book was the quality and style of the writing. The author writes in the third person and in the present tense, each chapter focusing on a different character, winding and weaving all their stories together. She does it well and I liked this book as much for the writing as for the story. Maybe even more.

Lucky Jim by Kingsley Amis (Introduction by Keith Gessen) - The original copyright date is 1953, the introduction copyrighted in 2012. I mention this because the Introduction was good; it enhanced my understanding of the author and Lucky Jim.

My favorite quote from the Introduction is "middle manager for a mustard manufacturer" (Kindle location 69), describing the author's father. Have no doubt that there will be a middle manager for a mustard manufacturer in the next Now & Then adventure: The Condiment Conglomerate.

On page 126 of the book (location 2171 of 4264), Amis writes:

"Your attitude measures up to the two requirements of love. You want to go to bed with her and can't, and you don't know her very well. Ignorance of the other person topped up with deprivation."

Followed by: "You'll find that marriage is a good short cut to the truth" on the next page (location 2180).

I loved the snarky, sarcastic tone of this book throughout and highlighted many passages.

Now, I'm reading The Color Purple by Alice Walker. This is an amazing story written in the form of a series of letters by two characters. (I'm about two-thirds of the way through it so I don't know if there will be other voices.) Again, I'm reading this for the writing as much as for the story (although this is a really, really great story). This technique allow for multiple voices and viewpoints and allows the author to quickly relate the passage of time over many years. Reading is always a good study of writing.

There's a lovely passage that begins on page 190 (location 1732 of 2817) that describes what God is - and isn't - and runs pretty much to the end of that chapter. It's too long to transcribe here but it was worth highlighting in my Kindle.

I love that feature. Recently, I discovered that all my notes are saved in my Kindle under My Clippings. Browsing there, I came across another quote about a chain of restaurants in L.A. called Zankou Chicken from the book Rob Delaney: Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage. by Rob Delaney. (Put that in your Charades hat and smoke it!) He recommends the chicken Tarna plate with their signature garlic paste:

Their proprietary blend of cinnamon, nutmeg, and garlic is as satisfying as a mid-grade sexual experience. It is genuinely exciting to eat their food; it's like your mouth is learning something as it chews. (location 1569-70)

Now, I have a goal today.

Lunch.

Life's A Beach

Up

Look What I Came Across

Janet has been asking about this and I finally came across it. My camera can act up and I can't always access the memory card for some reason. But it got full yesterday so I needed to dump it and, in doing so, I came across all the photos from our visit together.

I copied everything to my fancy new laptop and as soon as I figure out how to put them someplace where we can access them (iCloud or Shutterfly or something), I'll do that. 

Anyway, at least I know where they are now.

If you like a photo sharing site more than the others, let me know.

There Has To Be A Better Way

Donald Rumsfeld Says He Has 'Absolutely No Idea' If He Paid His Taxes Properly

He's not the only one.

I know a lot of people file their own taxes but you don't have to be too sophisticated before your finances are more sophisticated than you are. Things can get complicated in a hurry. Fortunately, there's help.

Or is there?

And at the heart of the issue is the need for tax simplification, says David Williams, chief tax officer at Intuit, maker of TurboTax software. "I could give you 20 different definitions of modified adjusted gross income," Williams says. "There are a lot of opportunities for tax simplification that stop short of eliminating the tax return." 

Audit: 17 of 19 paid tax preparers got it wrong (USA Today)

Why stop short? Let's get rid of it - the tax return. There's no need for it. Most people efile so we're halfway there. In fact, if you don't file a return the IRS is happy to prepare a tax return for you (for free!) and they'll send you a delightful little letter telling you how it all worked out.

They do that by using the information they already have: your W2, your interest and dividend income, your capital gains, and the amount of mortgage interest you paid. So why do we need to file a tax return at all?

Because the IRS doesn't get your charitable contributions, your real estate taxes paid, and other deductions, for example, but that could change, don't you think? Especially, since you might pay those things with a credit card and already do online banking. Every payment you make is electronic in some fashion.

Here's my latest gazillion dollar enterprise: eTax. It would be great if the government could figure this out. Even better, if I could and then sell it to the government. Or you. I don't care which. It's still worth a gazillion dollars.

Simply sign up. . . . (hahahaha)

Seriously, once the kinks are worked out, it'll be great.

The idea is you sign up (it would be elective, initially), the government sends you an email with the calculation of your tax return and you either accept it or reject it. There has to be a huge number of people who would just accept it. I'm sitting in a room with someone right now who does that already by not filing a tax return to get the refund he's owed. Sounds crazy but he just doesn't want to trouble himself with it.

The fact is, there are a lot of people who do that and for that reason alone eTax would work. There has to be a way to connect other transactions to the grid. Some would be easier than others - like major charitable organizations. If you donate to United Way with a credit card, that would register as a charitable contribution with the IRS, for example.

Assuming it could ever get done, it would put H&R Block out of business. My firm too, eventually. But it makes sense. The reporting requirements of financial institutions is getting ever more sophisticated which might be burdensome until the computer code is written, tested, and works. (This year's reporting of capital gains was much easier due to regulations concerning basis reporting in earlier years.) It can happen.

Just saying.

Long Day

If they would only do this at the same time…

Getting Spoiled

Still doing taxes in my sleep. They say that will go away. Eventually. 

There's Always That Guy

2pm - new client walks in the door.

Day's not over yet.

Palindromatic

Every Date This Week Is a Palindrome

See? The day has barely started and already I'm goofing off!

Getting back to normal . . .

Today's Stress Meter

On the way into the office today I was asked to pick up the following:

1. Triple grande soy latte
2. Grande vanilla latte
3. A bag of potato chips
4. Red bull and vodka

I'll let you decide what kind of day it's going to be.

Done

Well, almost done. Still have to get through today. But we will. I'm pretty confident of that now. Besides, we're out of chocolate chip cookies over here so we have to be done.

I've got some details to attend to today - not the least of which is my own return - but we got through most of the rough stuff yesterday.

Thanks for your support. We should be returning to your regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.

Or sooner, if something funny happens.

Nobody ever wishes anyone a Happy Tax Day. Except me. I'm pretty happy about it.

WOO HOO!

You're Killing Me!

Do not go boating in this beautiful weather, text me about boating in this beautiful weather, or plaster pictures of you boating in this beautiful weather all over Facebook. That's just seriously cruel. It's bad enough that it's beautiful outside. I have to close the blinds at work so I can't see it or else I'd be tempted to go out there.

I'm only allowed to go outside exactly two times per day. Once at sunrise on the way to work and once at sunset on my way home. Yesterday, however, I managed to escape for a short while. I went to Grinitch (I had to do an errand there and fetch some Grinitch spinach) and I was sorely tempted not to come back. Ever.

With my luck it will be raining on the 16th and I'll be on the boat wishing I was at the office. Oh, the unfairness of it all!

Dude, invite me when I'm not working, okay?

2

The pants algorithm resulted in pale green pants today. You could make an argument today of whether or not there's anyone inside them. But it probably means it's time to do laundry.

3

Superheroes

I was feeling badass ninja today. I got dressed in my tight, black skinny jeans, a black top, and black patent leather peep toe platform pumps that showed off my fire-engine red shellacked toenails. I topped it with a sleek black jacket and black cap, jumped into my black Porche Carrera convertible and roared off to work, radio turned up loud and my stick-straight, long, light brown hair streaming behind me.

Then I did some ninja shit, got all the bad guys, went home and had a Grey Goose martini (shaken) with two olives in an ice cold glass while sitting on the deck of my yacht.

Well, almost.

I only have about four pair of pants that I really like but I go through a daily ritual of looking at all my pants, from left to right as they hang in the closet, before selecting the pair I really want. Today I picked my black skinny jeans - using my secret mathematical algorithm for selecting pants - and a top long enough to cover the fly that won't lie flat when I sit down. The armbands I wear to relieve the pain of tennis elbow poked out beneath the three-quarter length sleeves.

I haven't had a pedicure in six months so sandals were definitely out of the question - not to mention it was probably still a little early in the year for that. I figured if I wore the peep toe shoes I would only have to paint the toes that peeped.

I applied a single layer of red polish to my big toes and their nearest neighbors and then used my blow dryer alternately between my hair and feet. Having burned my forehead the day before, I decided not to curl my hair and running late for work I applied leftover makeup. This technique is based on an assumption that there is probably still makeup in my makeup brushes from the day before - which reminds me I should probably clean my makeup brushes.

With my toes still wet I put on pink rubber flip flops, a Jack Daniels "Field Tester" ball cap to cover my grey roots and my company-logoed jacket , got into my 11 year old convertible and dropped the top before I noticed a big gob of bird shit on the window. Damn! I flip-flopped back into the garage and got a Windex wipe, cleaned up the gob and started again.

I tied up my hair into a loose ponytail, accidentally including the string that holds my bifocals, tuned in NPR, and drove to work in heavy traffic, focusing the floor vents onto my feet to complete the drying process.

When I got to work, I shoved my feet into my pumps and looked at my pale and veiny feet and wondered what the hell I was thinking. Who cares if only four toe nails are painted? - I thought and put my flip flops back on.

I did tax returns for about ten hours, drove home in the rain, and had a glass of wine before I reheated leftovers and went to bed. Some ninja.

I wonder what Batman does on Friday nights.

4

Is it Friday yet?

Not yet.

Is it Friday?

Not yet.

What day is today? Friday?

Not yet.

When will it be Friday?

Four more days.

I can hear it in my head right now!

NEW YORK, ANAHEIM, Calif., LAKE BUENA VISTA, Fla., TOKYO, PARIS and HONG KONG, April 10, 2014: Disney Parks Around the World Celebrate 50th Anniversary of 'it's a small world' with Global Sing-along, April 10 - Travel - MiamiHerald.com



Make it stop!

5!

6

6

One Week To Go

7 days left in the tax season. It’s 7:15 am and I don’t have time for this but I have several thoughts in my head that I want to jot down before I forget them.

• Waking up from NyQuil-infused sleep is rude - it’s not the waking but the return of the symptoms you took the NyQuil to alleviate.

• running to/from April 15 - even as most people would like to avoid April 15th, I run towards it like a marathon runner to the finish line. (The last time I made this comparison was last year - I think - when a bomber tried to blow up the Boston Marathon so it’s not all that good a comparison.) People are still coming in the door with their taxes saying: So sorry it’s late. I hope you can still do my taxes. I don’t think it will be very hard this year. I’ve only gotten divorced, inherited a lot of money, invested in multiple publicly traded partnerships that do business in all fifty states, sold my house in a short sale before renting it out for a short while, and spent some time working in a foreign country, and I can only find about half my documents. But maybe they’re in here (heaving a large box onto the counter). Do you think it will be done by the 15th? Oh, I also sold a small number of shares of a European company that my grandfather gave me when I was six. That won’t be a problem, will it?

• baby wipes with an expiration date - because what could be worse than wiping your ass on an old wipe?

• After making pouty faces in the mirror in an attempt to make it (my face) look contoured and more animated i decided to selfishly spend a few more minutes in front of the mirror before trudging off to work to apply some makeup. I managed to stay within the lines this time carefully avoiding the salved patch of skin I had earlier torched with my curling iron.

• life is funny - my posts that have only a number in them - and nothing else - are receiving higher ratings on my blog than posts with any thoughts in them at all. which means no one is probably reading this. what makes life funny is life itself, its adversities and our clumsy attempts to overcome them. if i were to pursue being funny full time and give up my “real job” I’m afraid there would be nothing funny to write about.

• McDonalds - I’ve been craving McDonalds which only happens when I’m hungover or during tax time which - oddly - are very similar.

• I was asked by an organization to be their Historian, seeing as I’m a "writer" and all. Hugely flattered, I am, but considering that History was my worst subject in school and my own records are more hysterical than historical, I’m wondering if they’ve made a wise choice. A different organization asked me to be their Secretary, once, but I had to quit after I found out how much writing was involved.

Took NyQuil last night. Can you tell?

I am an April Fool.

So, Tim B., still funny?

7 - The thoughts in my head are very funny this morning. I jotted some of them down for later, before I went to work where all funny thoughts will summarily die. Hopefully, I'll get a chance to get back to them and, hopefully, they'll still be funny.

8

9

Nice thing about working here is I get all the free coffee I can drink. Good perk.

10

All At Once

Good gravy! I actually have a moment to myself. A time to relax and just not think - about anything. Paradoxically, I worry that I can't think of anything to think about and so I think again. (What a friend of mine calls my Thinking Problem.)

Here's what I'm thinking about:
Invisibility Cloaks
Taxes
Taxation of Invisibility Cloaks
Starbucks
Crack

Man, you can't believe how good it feels to dump that out of my brain! I keep a notebook handy just so I can dump stuff there - little notes so I don't have to keep that kind of stuff in my head but I never have my notebook with me when I want to recall them so who knows? It's probably like blogging - words floating through the atmosphere with no place to call home.

I digress, but that happens pretty frequently this time of year.

You know what else happens frequently this time of year? I lose total and utter control of the English language. Oh, sure, I'm old so that happens but when I get a bunch of numbers in my head, the words are crowded right out of my skull (haha - autocorrect wrote "soul" which is just as close to the truth) and . . . where was I?

Right after drones become a household item, invisibility cloaks will become a must have. With more ways to spy on each other, products such as the Spy Finder Personal Detection Device are finding their way into the market. What happens when you have a north-going Zax and a south-going Zax who meet face to face and stop in their tracks? Everybody finds away around them, that's what. (We find ways around things, is what I'm saying.)

I'm not sure the description for this particular product should inspire confidence:

It detect wireless and wired cameras by looking through the viewing port and scanning any room.

Grammar aside, I could do that looking through an empty toilet paper roll.

My point is, at some point non detection will be like star-bellied Sneetches. Once we all have stars on our bellies, we'll want them off again and Sylvester McMonkey McBean will be there to clean up.

But I won't need to stand in line for an invisibility cloak because I'm already invisible. Seems like it, anyway, when I'm trying to get help from a retail clerk. Joke's on you, though, because after you all get your invisibility cloaks I'll be the only one that anyone can see.

As for taxes (see list, above), there's always something new and voyeuristicly interesting every tax season. Last year, it was cancelled debt and foreclosures. This year, employer-provided health insurance benefits are reported on W2s and I'm amazed at how much people (or their employers) pay for health insurance. If I added up my auto and home insurance plus my life insurance premiums, it wouldn't come close to what I pay for health insurance.

The other tax-related item that only I would find interesting is how many charitable organizations don't know that if they don't include the proper language on their receipts their donors' contributions are non-deductible. Imagine donating a large sum of money and finding, on audit, that the deduction is not allowable because the receipt doesn't contain the words "no goods or services were provided in exchange" for this donation? If you don't get a receipt with that language on it (for donations in excess of $250 and for which no actual goods or services were provided) prior to filing your return then the donation is nondeductible and I don't care if you gave a million dollars and you're a really nice guy. It's no good.

This is not exactly front page news but a lot of people don't know this. People who really should.

I don't really have anything to say about the taxability of invisibility cloaks but maybe I will later, during the tax season when Invisible Tax becomes the next Obamacare. (Lawmakers will write the law in invisible ink and we'll all have a hell of a time trying to non detect it.)

Starbucks and crack go together. I have further evidence that the soy milk is the source of their crack additive: They sell everything else at retail except the milk. Dairy milk, I get. They only have limited space and they're not in the business to sell milk. You can go next door to the grocery store to get that. They're not in the business of selling sandwiches either but they can fit all their food into one refrigerated case. They're not going to expand their stores for dairy. (Although, they are opening new stores that sell only tea and tea-related products. Why not branch out into boutique milk bars?)

You can buy mugs, coffee makers, and coffee. All the items one might presumably think would allow a person to make coffee at home and avoid ever coming back to Starbucks again. But, no. The only ingredient they don't sell (which doesn't need refrigeration, btw) is the soy milk. Because they want you to come back. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over . .. . .

That's my mind-dump for the day. It's this crowded in my head all the time but I can usually string it out over a couple of days which also gives me time to filter out the irrelevant and the unfunny. No such luck today. I don't know when I'll have another minute so this is what you get.

All at once.

Yesterday's News

After tax season, I think I'll start working on a script for a new TV show. A cop show, I'll call it:

Retina & Macula

Private Eye

Deloitte Hires Accountant After Noticing Popular Tweets Of Audit Calculations

“When we came across William’s @TheRealRiskAssessor Twitter account and read his incredibly smart and engaging tweets of gross margin sample reports, performance materiality numbers, and risk assessments, our jaws dropped and we asked, ‘Who is this guy?’”