Once Upon a Very Long Time Ago

We attended the wedding of my youngest niece over the weekend. She is twenty years old (I'm pretty sure). Just six months shy of her twenty-first birthday.

Exactly the same age I was when I got married.

The first time.

I'm no expert in marriage having been in only two so far, yet I want to tell her so much. Like, don't, for example. Not yet, anyway.

I don't actually know her very well and I admit I'm speaking from my own perspective but it's rare to find a twenty-year-old woman who even knows who she is yet. My future mother-in-law said the very same thing before I was married to my future ex-husband.

She was right. Not only did I not know who I was, I didn't know who I was marrying. It was all just so romantic and nothing else mattered. If I had been older, I might have made different choices. I definitely would have made better ones.

I wasn't much older when I got married for a second time, just five years later, having been divorced for about a year. I was still making bad choices but this time it worked out. But not because I was any smarter. I just got lucky.

This time it's lasted twenty-five years. So far. And, you know? It hasn't all been magic. It's been hard. Pretty rough in places, in fact. Scary at times, too. Really scary. But you don't make it to twenty-five years without some pretty good things going on, too. It's the good stuff that'll get you through the bad stuff, if you're lucky.

Remember, dear niece, that changing your name, as magical as it seems, is not magic. Nothing happens after your wedding day that's any different from whatever happened before. Remember that he loves you for who you are so figure out who that is real soon. Remember that he just wants to be your hero. I know you can do it yourself but he likes to be asked. Don't nag. He'll do anything for you if he thinks he's your knight in shining armor. When he does what you bid him to do, praise him, scratch him behind the ear, and give him a treat.

They're pretty simple, really, men.

Remember to keep your side of the street clean. It takes two to argue so be quick to apologize for your part in it. And when you do, don't use the word "but" because any apology that includes "but" negates the apology.

You will grow and change. He will, too. Biology alone will take care of that. How you handle that, my dear, will be the telling of the tale.

Finally, don't try to change him. If he wasn't what you wanted when you married him, just give up now.

Best of luck, my dear. Along the way, you'll need some of that as well.