Colonoscopy Update

I’ve never worked so hard to get a camera shoved up my ass! Listen, people, I don’t really want to do it either but you’re the ones that said it’s time.

Sometime last fall, I got a checklist of maintenance items from my doctor: when to get a mammogram, when to get a flu shot, time to order my annual stool sample kit to check for early signs of colon cancer. “Please call this number….”

So I did. I asked for the stool sample kit and the woman on the other end of the line said that I didn’t need a stool sample kit. Noticing that I’m four years past 50, she told me that what I really needed was a colonoscopy. Not a stool sample kit.

Since Hubby has had one, I was aware of the preparation involved for such a procedure and asked if she could schedule an appointment with a GI close to my home which is outside of my coverage area. (We're talking about Kaiser here and although Kaiser is in Seattle as well as Portland, those are considered different coverage areas. My plan originated in Seattle but I live in Portland.)

She said she didn’t know how to do that and referred me to GI in Seattle. GI in Seattle couldn't do it so they referred me to Customer Service. Customer Service said I needed to find a GI in Portland and request a referral from my doctor who is in Seattle. My doctor said they couldn’t refer me to someone outside my coverage area and referred me back to Customer Service. Customer Service in Seattle referred me to Customer Service in Portland and they told me all I needed was temporary visiting member coverage. Click, click, click. Done.

Easy freakin' peasy, right?

I was then referred to a local Nurse who said she could schedule me for a colonoscopy but since I didn’t have a local primary care physician, I would have to see one first. I explained that I already had one but fine, whatever, I would happily see ANYONE who could get this done. 

Well, in that case....*hold music* Click, click, click. The nurse said I didn't really need to see someone after all. All she needed to do was send a “fit test kit.” What are they fitting me for? Ew. But fine. Send it.

Today, I went to the mailbox and retrieved the package. I opened it up and it was a freaking stool sample kit!

This is turning into a major you-know-what.

(Turns out a "fit" stands for fecal immunochoemical test which was somewhat of a relief but not sure we can call that a silver lining.)