The Middle Round

I’m glad I don’t have a scale where I am because if I stepped on one right now, one of two things would happen:

1) I would be shocked at how much I weigh.

2) I would be shocked at how much I don’t weigh, meaning I could just keep on doing what I’m doing. Or not doing, as the case may be.

I've developed a middle. A muffin top. A belly. I look like a cocktail olive on a toothpick - round in the middle with nothing but stick above and below. And, let me tell you, green is not my best color.

I’m not sure what happened here but I don’t like it. Sure, I turned 50 and I’m told that it’s pretty much downhill from here. But I’m the “skinny” one, remember? They one people like to hate because she’s so thin.

Even as I sit here, eating my doughnut, my belly flops over my size 2 jeans. I know, I know - cry me a river. But whatever this is - this thing that dangles between my breasts and my waistline - I’d like to get rid of it. Preferably, before I wedge myself into a swimsuit when I go on vacation next month to Hawaii.

Groupon to the rescue! I can now buy weight loss hot pants. Wait, what? I can lose weight and look hot? Where do I sign up?

Shorts, flares, menswear, tops, and creams [wait, what are creams?] with slimming technology works when wearers exercise to help increase energy expenditure. [Exercise increases energy production? Who knew?] . . . using infrared technology. [Most of the thermal radiation emitted by objects near room temperature is infrared.] By trapping and redirecting this thermal energy, Zaggora wearers can burn up to 11% more calories than they would when garbed in traditional workout clothes, and 50% more calories than they would while napping in a sweatband. [Weight loss while napping? Perfect!]

I've got to hand it to the Groupon writers. They make this stuff far more interesting than the product’s own website. (Sarcastic copy belongs to Groupon, snide comments are all mine.)

I guess I just have to get off my ass and do something. My foot has been bothering me (self-diagnosed plantar fasciitis), the remedy for which is rest. But resting time is over now. Time to get back out there and walk.

Oh, and maybe lay off the doughnuts.