Dream On

You know what would make baby showers way more fun? Alcohol.

Because baby showers are a drag. You're invited to someone's house - someone you've never met before - to hang around with a bunch of other women you've never met before to play infantile games and ooh and aah over tiny little clothes.

If you've been to one, you've been to them all. Really, I'll just mail you a check and wish you good luck. But I'll have the good taste to pick out a pink or blue greeting card as appropriate to the gender of the coming bundle of joy.

What about the guys? Where are they on baby celebration day? How do they get out of doing this? I mean, really, in this whole baby business the guys really have it easy.

The best baby shower would have guys. And alcohol. Because, you know what? The guys tell different baby stories. They don't talk about how many hours of labor it took or how much the baby weighed. They say things like, "Thank God, we didn't have another girl."

And, they should give out prizes at baby showers. I mean, if you have to play those silly games there should be some incentive. For example, if the prize was something interesting - say, a gift card to Starbucks or something - then GAME ON! I will either win that prize or steal it from whoever does, not that I'm competitive or anything when it comes to coffee. I will guess the baby's future IQ for a cup of coffee.

And food. Lots of really good food. So much food that all our bellies protrude like the mother-to-be's. And wouldn't it be nice if everyone at the shower knew each other and was really fun to be around? And the hostess (and host in this scenario) were really generous people that shared their home with such an unruly mob as one that would openly party in front of a pregnant woman?

Might as well party. The party will be over soon enough.

Yes, that would be the perfect baby shower. I dreamed last night I was at one just like that. It seemed so real. And you were in it.

I even dreamed up some names for the baby. Shorty and Slim.

Well, it must have been a dream. Or, it was the best baby shower ever.