Shit Happens, Until It Doesn't

Last week, I finally had my colonoscopy. The day before, instead of spending my afternoon in the bathroom, I got constipation. Even after ingesting two 5mg tablets of Dulcolax and half the contents of a 238g bottle of MiraLAX, I had nothing. This was more than a little worrying.

Not to mention disappointing. I waited four months for this appointment and jumped through a few hoops to get it. When the time came to start the colon prep regimen, I was practically giddy. It's not something a person generally gets excited for but the big day was here and I wanted to get to it.

The diet posed no problem. I had green Jell-O and chicken broth and that seemed to satisfy me. Although white wine wasn't considered a clear liquid, black coffee was so I could have as much of that as I wanted. Still, no stool.

At 10 pm, I called the nurse. Constipation hardly seemed possible. The nurse conferred with the doctor. She came back on the line and said if something didn't start happening by 7 am the next morning, to call back.

At 2 am, something did start to happen but it still wasn't what I was expecting. (I've heard stories.) Apparently, it was enough because I had my colonoscopy at 11:15 as scheduled.

I wasn't nervous about the procedure but as I was lying on the gurney waiting my turn, hooked to an IV and monitors, staring into the fluorescent lights above, I couldn't help think of what a scary place a hospital can be. Even as the doctors and nurses did everything they could to make me feel comfortable, the hospital itself was cold and uncaring - just a facility for processing patients.

I remember when my mother-in-law had emergency colon surgery a little over a year ago and how scared she was. The last time she was in a hospital was when she gave birth to her youngest son, a little over 50 years ago. When they sedated her, she got a little (more) goofy and flirted with all the male nurses. She was a hoot but she was nervous as they wheeled her away.

If I flirted with the nurses, I don't remember and that's the story I'm sticking with.

The procedure was over before I knew it. Hubby tells me the doctor came to talk to me afterwards and let me know they removed two benign polyps. I don't remember any of that but I read the paperwork later and that's exactly what it said. I was sleepy and groggy for several hours afterwards but after a meal and a nap, I was pretty much feeling like myself again. No nausea.

Although the entire experience was better for me than for a lot of my friends, I'm neither anxious nor afraid to do it again. Because of the polyps, they said they wanted to see me again in five years but next time I won't give you the play-by-play. As a friend once said:

" You know you're old when you start talking about poop. "

-Richard Haislip 

Wherever you are, Richard, you were so right.