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Saturday, October 19, 2013

Strip On!

Went to a gun show today (www.collectorswest.com Collector's West Gun & Knife show at the Portland Expo Center). Definitely not my thing. Interesting, though. I just saw three men leave with rifles - couldn't tell you what kind but they didn't have wood stocks, if that helps - and I couldn't imagine what they could possibly intend to do with their new purchases. They were so overweight, it was hard to conceive they would ever be deer hunting if it meant they had to expend any kind of energy. Of course, they did manage to walk in from the parking lot but hike through a forest, track a felled deer, and drag it back out? No chance.

Gun owners must be a fairly honest lot. There was a gun check desk at the entrance where incoming guns could be inspected and relieved of ammunition. You could take your own gun into the gun show but you had to leave your ammunition outside. Not to worry, you could buy more inside.

You had to have your gun purchases inspected again on the way out but I don’t know why. I didn't ask. Maybe it was like Costco and you had to prove you weren't stealing an extra roll of toilet paper - or, in this case, a gun. At the entrance, they asked me if I was bringing in any guns. "Nope." When I left, they asked if I was taking any guns out. "Nope." That, despite the fact I was carrying a purse the size of a large pumpkin. Shit, it's harder to pass security at a football game.

Besides ammo, you could, of course, buy a gun. And beer. What could go wrong? Everyone inside looked normal enough and probably every one of them could pass a mental evaluation. There were men, women, boys and girls in attendance. There were camouflage guns for the men and pink guns for the women. Pink rifles, too, and even cute little pink ones for the kids. Those are for killing unicorns in pink forests, I imagine. (Barbie packs. Who knew?)

But it wasn't all fun and games in there. They also sold jewelry, scarves, fudge, and - my favorite - paper targets with pictures of zombies on them. Just in time to get target practice in before the apocalypse. You could buy a full sized violin there, if you were so inclined, or a macramé bracelet. Or, you could have a police sketch artist draw your picture in case you wanted to see what you would look like as a criminal.

I have a badass image of myself - more of an alter ego, really. I wear high heeled boots and can karate chop you into smithereens. But guns don’t interest me.

I had a beer and left the guns and ammo alone.

The gun expo was next door to DeafNation Expo which is exactly what it sounds like. Which means the neighboring expo didn't mind the practice range.

In other news: While strip club owner Stephen Dick is arguing that pole dancing is an art form and shouldn't be taxed by the State of New York, Oregon strip club owner Johnny Zukle (who has the better name, to be sure) is promoting the opening of his new strip club, The Cauldron, just in time for Halloween is a vegan, all-age club featuring a seven-course fine-dining menu. (Casa Diablo, Zukle's other vegan strip club with perhaps a lesser menu, is employer to Lynsie Lee, twitter correspondent with Newark mayor and surefire future presidential candidate Cory Booker.)


No animal products were used in the promotion of this strip tease. Now, don’t you feel better about yourself? Stripping may or may not be an art form but you can certainly feel good about not using animal products here in Oregon.

Shooting them in one corner. Stripping without them in another.

And, finally, I read an article in Willamette Week entitled Headout: PumpkinomicsYour handy conversion chart between Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Lattes and other fall activities. It was a listing of all the Fall/Halloween activities you can partake in over the weekend, listing the prices for each event in terms of how many Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Lattes you’d be giving up to attend.

Which, by the way, vegans are boycotting as it is the only Starbucks beverage that requires a dairy product in the making. (All other drinks can be made with a dairy substitute.) So fine, don’t have a coffee if you don’t want one. You can always go down the street and take in a show.

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