On Diet and Exercise

Lynn C Dot On Diet and Exercise:

Unsolicited Advice From A Skinny Chick

Who needs it? Nobody wants diet advice from someone who's never had a weight problem and certainly not from someone who isn't sweating her spandexed ass off somewhere with the latest guaranteed-to-make-you-sexier exercise that'll improve your life in only ten minutes per day!

My degree is in Economics for chrissakes and what's that good for? Nothing, if the current state of affairs is any indication. My day job is doing tax returns which is about as unsexy as you can get. My only credential is that I'm already skinny which isn't a credential at all. It's a gift. I admit it and acknowledge it. And, by being skinny I am absolutely guaranteed to be insensitive, ignorant, and insulting.

As rebuttal, what should I say to people who come up to me and say, "You're so skinny!" Is that any less rude than if I were to say, "You're so ______"? (I'm not going to use the F word here.) Besides, skinny is relative so let me be clear. I am 5'6" (I think I used to be taller) and I weigh ... well, it depends.

In 1981, I was 119 pounds. That's my benchmark (due to the sorry and unrealistic American desire to cling to one's High School days*). Less than that, I'm too skinny. I don't look good even to myself. There's only a couple times I've weighed less than that in my adult life. The first time I was going through a divorce. I dropped to 112. Not good. The last time was a few years ago when I was bedridden for two months due to back pain.

I'm sooo much better at 120.

For reals? I weigh more than that but not a lot. 125 on my Drivers License which is close enough. My point is, I get it. I'm skinny. Still, in my naivete, I used to think a person can be skinny if a person does skinny things. All you have to do is what skinny girls do! And so, as my gift to you, I will reveal my secrets.

Aren't you lucky? (Squee!)

*For reference, I'm 48 years old. While I weigh approximately what I weighed 30 years ago, a) I've never born children and, b) those same pounds have been rearranged Southward of where it started. Full disclosure.

Latte Lunges

Reclamation. That's what it's about at my age, if you haven't given up already. Hanging on! Squeezing the last ounce of youth out of the toothpaste of life. I don't have time for the gym and I wouldn't be caught dead working out with a room full of people half my age unless I'm dreaming and somebody did my hair and makeup first. Besides, I don't own any spandex unless you include the stuff they put in jeans now. Which is another thing - the Spandex Jeans Hike Up. Look around, you'll see it if you're observant. Good for the biceps....

The Latte Lunge is what I do when I make lattes. (Clever name, no?) This doesn't really work well in public although I haven't tried it yet. But think about it: When you order from your favorite barista, how long does it take to get your beverage? Enough time to do a few squats, n'est-ce pas? Jumping jacks are unrealistic in this situation but what if you squat just a little and hold it? Isometrics, I think they call it.

Do skinny girls do this? Actually, no. I don't either but lately I've tried to make use of the time it takes to steam my soy - at home. Why not? There's at least sixty seconds there, or more, that I could be doing something. And, honey, if you haven't be doing anything, you'll notice the sixty seconds.

Squats, leg lifts, arm circles. Pretend you're doing curls or bicep extensions. What's it going to cost you? There's no membership, no new outfits, and it's only sixty seconds. 

And, hopefully, nobody's looking.

Living Room Calisthenics


Guess what? They're just as effective as a gym membership and cost a lot less.

I used to lie out in the back yard to get a tan and my father would ask me if I couldn't get just as tan moving around, as in walking or biking. I didn't think so at the time but it turns out he was right. All the other girls were lying out in their back yards so I thought that was the only way to get a tan. (This was back in the day when tans were considered desirable, not life-threatening.)

The point is, you don't have to join a gym to get moving. You don't need a new outfit (although if that's what it takes to motivate you, then by all means get one) and you don't need new equipment. Just move. Turn on the radio and dance. Wiggle your hips like a belly dancer while brushing your teeth. Walk, bike, or march in place. Do bicep curls with soup cans, I don't care. Just move. Every day. (Yes, every day.)

You can get all that stuff later: the gym membership, expensive shoes, yoga instruction, weights, whatever. You might find you have a passion for something or want to set a goal such as walking 26.2 miles. That's fine and even admirable. For now, though, just think about finding a rhythm, creating a habit, changing your lifestyle. Even just a little.

In fact, think small. If you set a goal to run a marathon by next Friday, you're likely to get overwhelmed and quit before you even get started. In fact, I would tell you not to set any goals about weight either. This isn't about your weight. Not really. This is about you, all of you. The inside you as well as the outside you. I know you want to look good but I want you to feel good. Let's start there and and focus on some attitude for a while and worry about the weight later, can we?

My dad used to do calisthenics in the mornings before coming downstairs for breakfast. I used to like to watch him but had more fun when I tickled him while he was trying to do his push ups.While laughter is terrific exercise, I'm not sure this was helpful.

This morning, I did an exercise routine that I found in a magazine. It required the use of a piece of equipment that looks like half a yoga ball (round on one side and flat on the other). The suggested price for the equipment was about $100.

I used an ottoman instead. It's taller than the half-ball would have been but it's been a while since I did a push up so I figured that would work in my favor. The ottoman was heavy enough to stay put as well so I decided to forgo the expense and make do with what I had on hand.

Well, I'm glad I didn't have anyone around to tickle me because the first time I did it, I could only do about a quarter of the routine and I was sore for three days after. Today, I made it through half the routine and my arms and legs feel all jiggly but at least I made progress.

I prefer to be outside but it's nice to have a workout I can do when it's not nice out. Plus, as my sore muscles are presently reminding me, I need to change things up a little. Some of these muscles haven't been used in a while and it's time they get a refresher course in Activity.

There are a lot of things you can do to get moving. For example, try walking up the stairs in slow motion. You'll find you have to use your glutaeals more when you're forced to use less momentum. Everything counts: parking further from the entrance, walking in the mall, taking the stairs (slow motion or not), being on top during sex, laughing (maybe not at the same time as sex), dancing (leads to either sex or laughter), or cleaning house.

Don't worry about results. Just think about your daily routine and adding some physical activity to it. Any physical activity.