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Wednesday, August 21, 2019

Tips for New Homeowners

If you have multiple bathrooms, they will run out of toilet paper on a simultaneous schedule. Every time. Do not let your reserves get down to less than the equivalent number of bathrooms.

Smoke alarms emit a chirping sound when the batteries run low. If this should happen, it will be 2 a.m. and you will be awakened from a dead sleep. You would be wise to change the batteries in all existing alarms at this time. Otherwise, you will be awakened at 3 a.m.

Our research department advises that your batteries must be changed every six months regardless of what the battery package says. The smoke alarm has an internal countdown set at six months. Batteries that are good for ten years in the package are only good for six months in a smoke alarm. (What would happen if you just switch the batteries around?? I'll ask my research dude.)

Your smoke alarm also emits a chirp when the alarm itself expires. This chirping follows the rule of expired battery chirping in that it will happen in the dead of night. One smoke alarm will signal all your other alarms that they are expired resulting in a cacophony of mind shattering shrills. Removing the batteries will be futile. Your smoke alarms will take on alien life and chirp independent of power. Insanity is inevitable as you consider whether the smoke detectors can be flushed down the toilet. If you are lucky, you can lock your spouse out of the bedroom and let him figure it out while you save yourself. The ultimate answer, as soon as the ringing in your ears ceases, is to replace all of your smoke detectors and sell the house before they expire again ten years later.

You will likely never hear a smoke detector activated by smoke. Unless you have a toaster like mine. Then, you will hear it daily. Don't eat toast.

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