Friday, January 31, 2014

Meet the Most Special Boys in the NFL

There seems to be some confusion about what kind of animal Seattle's football team is named after. Why not? There's a lot of confusion surrounding Seattle itself. Like, where the hell is it? It's out west somewhere, right? In the Land of Starbucks.

Well, that's close enough, I guess.

But, let's be clear about one thing. The Seattle football team (and we're not talking about soccer here) is named after a hawk not a bird, OKAY? A hawk is a bird of prey not just any old feathered, winged, two-legged, warm-blooded, egg-laying vertebrate. A Seahawk is otherwise known as an osprey which is a freaking raptor. A raptor is a bird that hunts and feeds on other animals. Like broncos. Which, by the way is an untrained horse.

So there.

Now that's out of the way, I'd like to introduce you to the Seattle Seahawks' (not Seabirds) Special Teams. These are boys that are so special that no one would love them but their own mothers. I'm not trying to be cruel here but when was the last time you saw someone wearing the jersey for the Gunner or the Long Snapper? (btw, the Center is nothing but a Short Snapper, but I digress.) Even their moms can't make it to all the games so somebody's got to love them.

When the Special Teams takes the field, that's when everyone leaves to refresh their beers or go to the can. Not me. I stand and shout, "Go, Clint Gresham!"

#49 Clint Gresham is our Long Snapper. It's an interesting position because it requires lightening skill and accuracy, can't be touched by the defense, and is something you can learn and master well enough to get you a college scholarship by borrowing a video tape from the library. #86 Zack Miller is the backup LS (good initials, no?) but he's also a Tight End which makes Gresham all the more special.

Gresham's better side.
I like the Gunners just because who the hell knew there were Gunners on a football team? They are #20 Corner Back Jeremy Lane, #41 Corner Back Byron Maxwell and sometimes #83 Wide Receiver Ricardo Lockette. Even though they play other positions, what makes them special is you can't just find a depth chart somewhere or look up the Seahawks roster and find out who the gunner is. They don't exist.

See? No gunners according to ESPN's depth chart.
Not as special as Jon Ryan.

That brings us to #9 Jon Ryan. He plays the Holder and the Punter. You can't get more special than that!

The Kick Returners are very important people but they're only a little special because they have other jobs. #89 Doug Baldwin and #19 Bryan Walters are both Wide Receivers. But not even the third Kick Returner's mom loves the last Kick Returner because she named her son Christine and you know he got beat up a lot in school. #33 (double-three!) Running Back Christine Michael is very special indeed.

Punt Returners are just like Kick Returners, only different. They are #81 (good year!) Wide Receiver Golden Tate (C'mon, Golden? That's the very definition of special!) and #25 Corner Back Richard Sherman (who will be first to tell how exactly how special he is.)

Last, but by no means least, we have #4 Steven Hauschka as Kicker (for field goals and kickoffs). He's special because he's scored 143 points for the Seattle Seahawks this year which, I believe, makes him the highest scorer for the team. From now on, every time he kicks it for three you need to yell, "Hauschka like them apples!" and give someone a high three.

And remember this, when you're eating chicken wings this Sunday they came from a bird, not from a hawk!

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